June 2009This morning, I could not stop the calendar page from turning. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried---the month that I've been secretly dreading, trying to avoid, yet working very hard to look forward to, arrived right on my doorstep.
Without even a whimper--June meandered in. As if it belonged in Judiland.
In the dark of night, while I slept in my bed, June tiptoed into my life. It brushed itself across my brow. Reminding me. And, I cried.
As my little girl slumbered peacefully amid pink frill and girly ruffles, underneath her frothy canopy, June blew past the moon and the stars and glided through her lace covered window. June danced lightly upon the patchwork quilt and perched itself on the white iron bed post--never even whispering to her it's arrival. And, I cried.
As the sun came up, on this first day of June, I stood by my dreaming daughter's doorway and gazed upon her angelic face, her dark flowing hair and her button nose as they peaked out from the jumble of pastel coverings. Melting my heart until the tears fell. Yes, I cried.
It is June. And, Toni is graduating from high school.
For Toni, these next few days is all about the last day of school, the senior prom, the senior picnic, commencement and graduation parties. It's about celebrating past accomplishments and friendships and all those moments that a girl holds close to her heart. And, it's about youthful wonder and excitement and memories.
And, for me-- it's all about looking at a future that does not include packing her peanut butter, apple and carrot lunches in brown paper sacks. It's about not driving my sweet girl to school and watching her smile as she greets her friends. It's about that very first day of school when I dropped her off at kindergarten. And, it's about being who I am, who I was and the moments that got me here.
It's all slowly, sweetly and ever so sadly---drifting away.
I must stop these tears from flowing.
I. must. not. cry.
I think I'm going to rip up the calendar.