"You must only eat lettuce!"

...she declared.



Yes, there I was....in the produce section of the local market when I ran into a mother from my daughter's dance troupe days. We hadn't seen each other in quite a few years.
"Oh my God, Judi! You lost so much weight!" she gushed, grabbing my arm. "I can't believe it!" she continued.
Naturally, I beamed. "Thank you, yes, I did."

And, just when I was about to say "I had weight loss surgery".....she said it----"you must only eat lettuce"....

"No, I don't even eat lettuce!" I told her.

"Yeah right!!!" she laughed, with a hint of sarcasm.

"It's true. I really don't," I told her, now wondering if I would even tell her about my weight loss surgery.

"So, what's your secret?" she asked mockingly.

But, before I could even respond....

"At our age, you have to eat next to nothing to take off 5 pounds!" she continued. "I should know. Remember how thin I was? Not any more! No! No! The minute I turned 45, fifteen pounds arrived! Then it was 20 then it was 30!" she said, dramatically snapping her fingers. "Nothing works!" she leaned forward as if she was confiding in me.

Alright, so I figured I'd tell her about the surgery.

But, before I could.....

"Did you turn 50 yet?" she asked

"Yep, in January" I told her.

"OOOOOH! Yep, everyone I know who was turning 50 went on crazy diets--pills, shakes, salads, salads, salads, you name it---so they can be thin at 50!" she exclaimed, almost in disgust.

Alright, should I tell her about my surgery? I pondered as I picked up a bunch of celery.

"You must eat a ton of that stuff! Negative calories! Takes more calories to chew it than it puts on the hips!" she said, pointing to the celery in my hand.

"Nope, I don't really eat much celery. This is for a party," I told her

I was starting to enjoy this conversation very much.

"I joined a gym. Never go. Never, ever go!" she told me, shaking her head. "Do you belong to a gym?" she asked.

"I didn't renew my membership this year. I wasn't going enough and I was spending more money that it was worth," I told her

I didn't bother to tell her that I walk every morning. I was having way too much fun with this little guessing game.

"I don't want to get skinny-skinny you know! I just want to get rid of this and that and this here," she said, pointing to her stomach, her hips and her ass. "I was never a skinny mini but I was never thhhhhiiiiiissssss big," she sighed heavily, looking down at her body.

Okay....it was time. I had to tell her about the surgery.
Just as I was about to tell her that I had weight loss surgery.....
She asked....shrugging her shoulders, with a bit of frustration.....
"Did you have that surgery?"
But, before I could answer.....
"I have heard so many bad things about that surgery. People never keep the weight off, you know. Infections. Sickness. Very dangerous. Did you ever see someone who had that surgery? They look sickly! And then there's some people who get way too skinny and look older. But, they think they look hot! Women our age do not need to look like we are 19! But oh they think they do after they get that surgery!" she raged on.

So, there I was---at a moral crossroads.....do I take the next 1 hour to educate her on that surgery--thus not getting home in time to cut up the celery for the party or do I just tell her a flat out lie? Perhaps I could tell her that yes, I do only eat lettuce.

But, I didn't get a chance.
She noticed my shoes.
"OH my God! Look at those shoes!" she squealed. "That's what I always remember about you, Judi! Your shoes! Even when you were fat, fat, fat---you had the best shoes!" and as she said those words---she blew out her cheeks as if holding her breath--making a "fat face" and she curled her arms and extended them out in front of her to mimic a fat person.
I figured it was time to get out of there before she startled waddling---mocking a fat person!

"OOOOH, look at the time! I gotta go! I have to pick up some lettuce and get out of here! So great to see you!!" I chirped, checking my watch, giving her a quick wave and racing across to pick up the lettuce.