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Thursday, February 26, 2015

Lapbanded Life......Seven Years and Half Years Later......


What's it like?


Well, let me tell you what it's like on the OUTSIDE...... 
It's  like this......
February 2015....out to dinner in the neighborhood...with my cutie husband and my pretty Goddaughter Ashley....


And, NOT like this......
Day of surgery.....August 10, 2007....don't ask what I was doing....
This is what Lapbanded life is like Seven and Half Years Later on the inside.....

In the early days of Lapbanding, it was all about getting used to a new way of eating.
Yes, there was quite a bit of work involved in it all.
I had angst and frustration and even misery.
But, I always had hope.
THIS was going to be my last attempt at getting the life that I deserved.
Failure was not going to be an option. NOT. AN.OPTION.   
Hope  is what helped me through the angst and the frustration and even the misery.
Although there were always new obstacles to tackle, I was pushed to make it work by holding on to hope and determinedly staying the course. 
I was not the perfect Lapbander.
But, I told myself that I wasn't on this journey to reach perfection.  Just smaller pants. 
There were pounds gained and moments when I ate nachos and ice cream.
But, I adopted a new way of thinking--I wasn't going to let those times stop me from where I was headed.  I was going to pick myself up, wipe myself off and remind myself that it was a new day and a new chance to get it right.  That new way of thinking was harder than I ever thought possible.  Old habits are hard to break....
There were times when I felt tired and overwhelmed by needing to lose 100 pounds. 
I would be knocked down and unmotivated and would feel tremendously sorry for myself. 
Those were the times when the only thing that helped me was to connect with other Lapbanders or write a blog post.  I needed tangible, living, breathing reminders of that I was not alone on my journey. 
That is what I needed and who I was.  I wasn't following a script. 
There was no magic formula.  There was no right way to do it. 
There was just hard work....+ hope+determination.
I'm NOT saying there weren't rewards and payoffs along the way because there were!  Lots of them.  
REWARDS ARE NEEDED TO KEEP THE HOPE ALIVE!   
I was so right to have HOPE!
And that same HOPE will sustain me.  
Because I still need it. 
 Why? 
Because..this journey has NO DESTINATION, IT DOES NOT END.
Even though I thought I got my Lapband to help me get the weight off , what I really need it is to keep the weight off.






Wednesday, February 25, 2015

50 Shades of Grey?

No, I'm not going to talk about that movie. 
You know how I feel about it....now, let's move on.
Or, should I give up and dye?

 This past weekend, I got snowed in at the mall.
That's more of a fun fantasy that any novel or movie about 50 Shades of....oh you know what I mean. 
Ah, I digress.
So, how did I get snowed in at the mall and what does that have to do with grey anything?
Well....you see.....it goes like this.....being the anxious parent that I am, I did not want my darling daughter to venture out into Saturday's snowstorm to go to work.  She had to get to work by 9 am.  It was 7 am and it was  the height of the storm and the news was blaring about road conditions and all of the storm that was still due to hit in the next few hours.   And, all reports pointed towards staying off the roads!!!  The salt trucks and plows had not had a chance to make the roads between the mall and our home safe to drive.
So, as any good mother---I told her she was not allowed to drive.  But, I didn't want to drive either.  So, as any good wife would do.... I riled my husband out of his peaceful slumber and ordered him to dig our 4-wheel drive vehicle out of the driveway and demanded that he chauffeur our daughter to work.  And, I promised to ride along.....
What does this have to do with grey anything....?
Stay with me here....it will all make perfect sense soon enough.... 
Anyway....the trip to the mall:  blinded by the blizzard, barreling through slick side streets and coasting down a narrow, car lined, snow covered main road, then through the tunnel, over the icey river, on to the snow covered parkway, over another icey river and down a  hilly, windy, slippy road--- was not fun at all.  But, we got there after our harrowing and very messy drive and delivered our precious cargo to her door....just as the storm was bearing down even heavier.
Instead of turning around to go home, we decided to head into the mall to get our Starbucks fix and maybe walk around until the snow plows had a chance to clean up the main roads--with the hopes that  during that time, the snow would slow down enough to make visibility a little easier.
Needless to say, the mall was a complete ghost town.  Even as the stores slowly opened their gates, it was eerily quiet and unusually peaceful....for a mall.  
About an hour into our mall meandering, our daughter texted us that she would probably be leaving a little after noon due to the slow business.  So, we decided that we might as well stick around the mall instead of drive home and then drive back to pick her up.
Carmen decided he was going to get a massage so I opted to walk around and see what I could see.
That's when I ran into a storefront called "StyleOut"....it was a hair and make up bar for "quick makeovers and glamourizing".....
It was exactly what the doctor had ordered.  I was in between haircuts, I was feeling particularly unattractive and old, my grey roots had sprouted and were very visible and I was certain that a new hairstyle would fix me right up.
The blow-out expert was thrilled to see me enter the door and eager to have business and someone to talk to.  She had a great style about her, she wasn't some 20 year old with tatooes all over her arms and piercings on very surface of her face and I liked her hairstyle!  She could be trusted. 
 So, I told her my sad tale of woe---I had never had anyone other than my sister-the-hairdresser cut and color my hair, I was tired of my hair style, I was sick of dealing with grey roots and I desperately wanted to look like Lisa Rinna. (minus the lips).   Could she help me?
She sat me in her chair and examined my head and my hair carefully.
"Do you know that you are completely grey?"  she asked me.
How would I know....I'm addicted to the bottle!!!  
The fact that I was completely grey was not what I wanted to hear.
When I grimaced, she laughed--"the good news is that it's a beautiful grey!"  
I smiled a bit.
"And, you have wonderful hair!  It has such great potential!'  she told me.
Potential?  It has potential???? I am walking around with unused potential?
"I am going to suggest you consider letting your hair go completely grey!"  she said with great enthusiasm.  "It would go great with your coloring, your hair would be more healthy and I know you would love it.   I can tell from your style that you would be the perfect candidate for it!  You could carry it off!"  
I had to think about it.
In the meantime, she went about styling my hair......
And, I have to say--when I left, I felt fabulous.
A 20 minute blow out and a little pouf here and a little wisp there....was all it took.  
No, I didn't look like Lisa Rinna.  But, I could feel my mood lifted.
Always a good thing.

A little while later, I met up with Carmen and even though he thought I didn't look much different, I corrected him---yes, I looked much better.   Men!!
I told him about my blow-out experience and admitted that the idea of going grey was starting to appeal to me.
"Really???"  he asked in great shock.  "No!  I don't think so...."  was his reaction.
No man was going to tell me NO! I don't think so.  It was my hair.  I would decide. 
He is not Christian Grey.....

So, what do you think????
Should I go grey?
(well, I guess I am really grey.....) 
So, the real question is...should I stop hitting the bottle?  












Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Dear Winter,

You have my permission to go now.   You are making me very cranky.  At least I hope it's YOU that's making me so cranky and not the gazillion other things that could possibly be making me a cranky girl.  
Because lately, I am becoming a girl I don't even know....
Yes, it's another cold day in the hell that is winter!


One of the many upsides of doing a blog for a long as I have is that I have a diary of what I was  thinking, what I was feeling, what I was doing and even how I looked day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month and year-by-year. 
Every so often, I take myself back to check on my past.  Sometimes it helps me to see that I really have come a long way and other times, it reminds me of past situations that may help me deal with something in the moment or something in the future.  Then, there's other times that I realize that as much as I think I've overcome something--it's still with me....reminding me that I just need to fight my way towards finally overcoming it or telling myself that it's okay that I haven't been able to do it!
Last night, as I was pondering my blog post for today, I was consumed by a feeling of dejavu.
I wanted to yell and scream at winter and kick my feet and pound my fists and share my weariness and frustration....it  felt very familiar to me.  Like I had said it all before. 
Why was it so familiar?  Do I do that often?  Aren't I just a sunny, optimistic, happy person?
That's what brought me to check on my past blog posts.
I started with all the Februarys over the years.
WHATTA WAKE UP CALL!!! 
Evidently, I bitch and moan my way through February all of the time.
Oh, my poor blog readers....having to put up with me!
Funny thing was that I didn't even recognize ME.
Although I am very sure that I wrote all of those bitching and moaning posts, I was shocked that I felt that way so often in February...like. almost. every. damn. day.   
Who would want to hang out with me?  
Who would find any kind of enjoyment from reading my blog?
Tinged with sadness but hoping it was just a February-thing with me, I decided to check on a few other random months in the past to see if my bitching and moaning was much less.
Although I am happy to report that on a bitching and moaning scale, February did seem to take the honors.  Shockingly, however....there are other months that aren't too far behind.
Every month seemed to fall victim to at least one, two or maybe ten bitching and moaning posts. 
Give me a holiday or a season or an issue or just a damn day and I bitch and moan.
It just goes to show you, it's always something...if it ain't one thing, it's another.... (I say in my best Roseanne Roseannadanna voice).
Perhaps bitching and moaning women are more funny than ones who gush about the beauty and wonderfulness that is their lives....??
If that's so, I'll bet my dear blog readers just howled laughing their way through all those Februarys.....
Should I apologize that I want/need to bitch and moan today and go into a blog rant about winter and how exhausted I am and how overwhelmed I am and how I hate my hair?
Or, should I just end it right here and thank you for your time?
You pick.....I'm too cranky to think right now........











 


Sunday, February 22, 2015

They like me! THEY REALLY LIKE ME!

Getting my OSCAR on! 


Happy Academy Awards Sunday!
Are you planning to join in the fun and fanfare of the Academy Awards?
Do you have a favorite movie that you are rooting for this year?
Are you rooting for a certain actress or actor? 
Or....are you like me and just tune in for the fashion and to have a little Sunday-night-dinner-on-the-couch party? 

Tonight, we are forgoing the fancy attire and the over-the-top menu.  
Not that we really ever did that.
But, we have went to a Red Carpet viewing party a few times and on occasion, we have had people in for a more elaborate spread and Oscar-related activities.  
But, this year,  it's just my fashionista daughter and I in our favorite jammies with some wonderful candles burning, a fire in the fireplace and a bottle of one of our favorite wines.....  
I'm going into menu planning mode now, then I'm going grocery shopping then I'm meeting up with  two of my favorite college friends for a winey, catch-up lunch.....
As I said last evening:
"Not every meal has to be AN EVENT....let the TV take the center stage, not the food!"
(the word according to Judi, February 21, 2015)
 
 

 


 
 






Friday, February 20, 2015

It's FRIDAY! It's FRIGID!

And, I am FRIED!  
Simple weather forecast......

~THE END~

Thursday, February 19, 2015

WHY AM I ALL ALONE????

Why am I the only woman who refused to read Fifty Shades of Grey and will DEFINITELY NOT to seeing the movie????





There is not a prude bone in my body. 
Not a one.
Go ahead.....give it a whirl....test me out....you will see....this girl never was nor will I ever be a prude.   FUCK NO!
I am all for the women exploring their sexuality through consent....regardless of the sanctity of the relationship.  And, I am about as ga-ga as the next girl when it comes to racey, sexy-hot  stuff.  Show me a naked,  fabulous looking man and I'm gonna peek....and maybe even stare.  Hot and steamy stuff give me quite the blush.  And, let's not get me started on steamy sex scenes....
Okay, okay....I better stop here before I have a hot flash....
Yes, I know....that might be too much information for you but I just figured I'd get the record straight just in case you think that I am repulsed by the story that's been taking the world by storm because I am a prudish naive, straight-laced, super conservative,  chastity-belt wearing 56 year old woman.
Because you know I am not.  Anyway, a chastity- belt would make me look fat....
Those who swoon over the very mention of Christian Grey and the movie itself consider my views on the topic as idiotic.  Or, as one my wonderful, smart, beloved friends said...."Judi, it's just a fun, fantasy  movie..plain and simple...."

Um....
 

This is NOT my FANTASY!  This is NOT my kind of FUN!

Why is it that my own daughter and my own sister and many of my own friends (like the one I mentioned above) can't wait to see the movie?  Why do they consider it a Romance Movie?
And why do I decide to choose this moment and this movie to dig my heels into the sand and say NO, NO, NO.  I mean after all, I really am not a radical person when it comes to most causes.  Sure, there are a few.  Well, maybe a few more.  But, I don't get all postal about them.  But, this one?  Well, this one just makes me a little crazy.  Yes, I admit that part of the problem is that I don't like to be the one in a million person who feels this way!  It's not fun being alone on a topic that is setting the female population all a flutter. I like to be aligned with other women and their feelings and beliefs.  I want to support other women and what they love and care about!!!  I really, really do....
 And....OMG....I really can't understand the acceptance that my own loved ones have for this move.  Haven't I taught them well?  Haven't I been a good influence on them?  What are they thinking?  Where have I gone wrong?



Here's the deal--- I do not....nor will I ever.....support the glamorization and romanticism of emotional and/ or physical abuse.  I will not support the objectification of women or the notion that belittlement and entrapment  are forms of  romance and love.  
And, I will never, ever understand how anyone else can either.

I am not going to see this movie.
It does not deserve my money or my time.  
Sure, I will miss the popcorn.
But, that's okay.
 
 

 

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

It's not over.....even when the FAT LADY sings......

Today, I feel like THE FAT LADY WHO SANG TOO SOON!
 



About 100 pounds ago, if you would have asked me if I lost 100 pounds if I would finally feel like my weight loss journey was over and if I considered it a success, I would have answered a loud and definite YES.....YES....YES....One trillion times YES......
 Oh how naive I was in my youth.  
What I have come to learn as I lost those 100 or so pounds is that SUCCESS is not a DESTINATION.....IT IS A JOURNEY.   
Just because you arrived at that holy grail of weight loss, that does not mean that your are done.
The mission is not complete.
It is not over.
You have a million miles to go.....if you are lucky.  
Over the past seven years, I have battled that theory.....many times.  I got cocky or confident or maybe just plain tired....or perhaps even a little stupid.   As you are my witness and you can attest to, I have come to this blog on more than a few occasions and I confessed to  you that I gained some weight and I did it by own doing.  The weight didn't just magically or inexplicably land on my stomach or my hips or my thighs or my face....I put it there.  Yes, I convinced myself that I didn't have to worry about eating loaded mashed potatoes followed by a a few Oreos with a chocolate sundae chaser (doused in real whipped cream).  And, I let myself believe that it was A-OK that I didn't follow my walking program for up to 4 weeks while I indulged in the occasional nacho platter washed down by one, maybe two...or three margaritas.  And, I let it be perfectly fine to sooth myself with a dinner comprised of all or most of the above because I was either sad or tired or stressed or really pissed off.   Yes, and I even gave myself the blessing to indulge in just another piece of coconut cream pie because, after all, it was a celebration or a holiday. All of that and so much more....
Interestingly, when I think about it and analyze it to death (as I always do!), I am stunned by the fact that  when you get right down to it, it was never about the food.  It was more about the feelings.  As I am doing it---I think it's about the food.  But, when I reflect upon it, I am enlightened....once again....my emotions made me eat it. 
This is not new news.  You know that.  I know that.  Hell, there are books and PhD thesis written about that very thing.   People have made themselves very rich and famous by telling us just what I have told you in less than a paragraph.   
I am the poster child for not following the old adage---do the same thing and end up with the same results.  Most times, it doesn't really get to me....I am optimistic enough to know that I can turn things around and I have complete faith that everything will be just fine.  But, sometimes.....especially in the bleakness of February....I find myself completely overwhelmed by it all.   I am tired of slaying dragons and turning water into wine and smiling when I really feel like crying.  Thankfully, none of that lasts very long....because I am also the poster child for being impatient with being anything but a glass-is-half-full kind of girl.   Sadness, misery and depression are just not good looks for me.  Plus, I don't like to be that kind of girl....the one who is always whiney and gloomy.   I have a responsibility to Judiland to be encouraging and uplifting and Ms. Fix-It and the life of the party. 
Yes, it can all be rather tiring...especially when you are battling things you don't have the energy or the desire to battle.  And, ironically, making life look breezy and perfect is a monumental.y exhausting, unrewarding job in itself.....trust me on that. 
All of that weakens my ability to say no to the 10 pm chocolate sundae. 
And makes me need new pants.  
It's complex, that's for sure. 
So, as I sit here on the first day of a season where we are asked to prepare for the coming of Easter through prayer, penance, repentance of sins, atonement and self-denial, I am asking myself how I can take those expectations and practice them in my life to help me continue my journey in a way that brings me closer to understanding and learning from my failings.  
That's pretty big stuff.
Just another stop on the journey that never ends......