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Saturday, June 28, 2008


It's well before 4 am. I'm cooking sauce and frying meatballs. Am I Italian or what? I'm on my 4th cup of tea and I am eating string cheese. I'm feeling a little bit nuts. And, a tad bit cranky. I'm pretty sure that's the Irish coming out in me!

Did I mention it's been a lousy week?

My house almost blew up and killed Toni and I yesterday. My walls are filled with soot. The air conditioning on the top floor is fried. Everything stinks. My walls are black. My bedroom is a sauna. And, to top it off, I have a huge bill from an electrician. Makes me wonder why I never slept with one (an electrician that is). I still don't have electricity on the entire top floor of my house and I'm not sure when I will get it. I'm sure if I slept with one(an electrician that is), he'd make sure I had electricity in my bedroom. Unless he was one of those guys who wants to do it in the dark. God knows what I was thinking when I married a man who works for a power company. He can work 90 hours a week to generate power to the rest of the world but not to my bedroom. I'm trying to be a good sport.

So, I'm sure you are wondering what's up with the pasta and meatball saga. Here goes....I had this super duper meatball frying and sauce making schedule that I planned to follow. I even wrote it on the refrigerator calendar. I was supposed to be finished by now! To be more precise....I was supposed to be done yesterday. I should be sleeping right the rest of the civilized world!

So, what the hell happened?

Well, life got in the way. A big helping of life. You see, in addition to my frying meatballs and making sauce job, I also have a family. And, with that comes responsibilities, obligations, mini-disasters and name it. Anything can happen. And, most will. And, let's not forget the fact that I also have a real job---my grown up girl job. The one that pays for the sauce and meatballs and the family stuff. It's a job I like. Most days. But, it's been a do I describe it.....not so much fun....lately. I'm within a few weeks of hitting my 28th anniversary and it's not going great. Not that it's going bad-bad. It's just not going great. Even if I wanted to describe why....I couldn't do it. I think it has to do with emotional investment and expectations and rewards and not feeling good about the time I devote to a place that I've loved (beyond reason) for so long. At the moment, it's not loving me back. And, it hurts. You know the whole woe is me/martyr thing...."I've given it the best years of my life and look what I get in return". If my job were a man....I might break up with it. But, it's not. It's a job. Somehow I lost sight of that along the way (28 years ago!). Even though it's my career, it really is just a job. Why didn't I ever get that? Why did I let it get into my heart and my soul? Even now, when my heart hurts and my soul is bruised, I care--beyond reason. I have people who depend on me and who I feel a great responsibility to and who I actually love. And,I truly, truly believe that what I do matters. That's the good stuff. But, then, there's those other things. The pesky things. The things that have turned on me, violated my trust and made me feel unworthy. Things that have made me sad. They are the things that are staying with me 24/7 and not allowing me to give my all to the things that matter. Like my meatballs and sauce.

So, here I am---with less than 10 hours until the big party. I still need a few hundred more meatballs and a few more vats of sauce. (And--FYI--I am in terrible need of a pedicure) And, no, I have not settled on the perfect amount of pasta to make. My mind is cluttered with thoughts and questions that have nothing at all to do with the tasks that lay before me in my kitchen.

This all would have been so much harder 70 some pounds ago
. Like I said....TGISaturday.


Eileen, The Mayor, or Francine, depending on my mood and night of the week. said...

You're a far better person than me, I would have hit the local italian store hours ago and been done with it!

Daffodil Hill said...

Good grief! Hang in there, dear! At least by this time tomorrow the cooking responsibilities will be behind you. That won't help with your job or the electrical disaster, but at least it will be one less thing to worry about. : / Maybe you can get that pedicure and wear some fabulous shoes. I know that will make you feel better. ; )