On the edge of 50...........

The past 49 1/2 years (the good, the bad and the ugly) have been preparing me for this moment. The moment when I realize it's time to start planning my next 50 years. Planning for who Judi will be, where Judi will go and how Judi will get there. I have oodles of years of experience--in all aspects of my life. My personal life. My professional life. My life as a woman. A girl. A mother. A wife. A daughter. A sister. A friend. An obese woman. A recovering obese woman. All of it. I have been and I still am all of them.

Each person I've loved, each person who has loved me back--they are all pieces of me. Even those people who have done me wrong or who I have slighted--they are all a part of me. The joys and the sorrows and the dissappointments--all mine. The sins I've committed and the misunderstandings--mine too. The gifts I've been given and the gifts I have given others--all a part of me. The pounds I've gained, the pounds I've lost---all of it--my own. I have seen enough and been through enough and done enough and heard enough. It has all infused me with the wisdom that I need to plan for Judi at 50.

I have dreams. I just need to find them. I have things I need to change. I just need to realize them. I have things I need to say. I just need to start the sentences. I need to uncover the things in my life that have been tucked way beneath the fat and the layers of life that have kept me so unreachable and so busy for so long. I need to touch Judi, pull her out, dust her off, stand her up and give her life. She's not so far below the surface. My Lapband has helped me get rid of the layers that buried her. She is so close. There are days when I hear her crying to emerge. I know she's there. 76 pounds later. A million tears later. A ton of laughter later. It's time to plan for her arrival.

.....................I am going to start by buying her a new pair of shoes.