Childbirth didn't hurt this much.....

Motherhood.

Perhaps I should get out while there's still time.
Or, maybe I should just chug a bottle of Chardonnay every day and be done with it.
Or, what if I just take a long drive and get really lost?

Yeah, but....someone would find me....I'd leave a trail of receipts, I'm sure. As for the wino thing....those morning-after headaches are a bitch and those blood shot eyes don't work well with mascara.

Okay, okay...how about this--I call the high school and tell them that I'm ready to come clean....Toni should have never graduated and she needs to come back to re-do another few years. I could tell them that I did all her homework for her and texted her the answers to all of her tests for four solid years. Oh, and I could tell them that I lied about her being born in 1991 (just so that I could send her to kindergarten early)....she was really born in 1995.
I wonder if that plan would work.....

Go ahead....tell me that everything will be okay. Tell me that I'll really start to enjoy my new life. And, sure....tell me that she's only 75 miles away and she'll be home for weekends and breaks and holidays. I hear you. I really do. But, honestly, friends....it's not helping me now as I cling on to the shreds of the daily mother-daughter bond that has carried me from obesity to Lapband surgery to fashion disasters...and everything in between.

I am not loving this college thing. Don't get me wrong--I'm all for higher education! And, I really believe that all young adults need to experience college....away from home. They need to go out and find themselves and be independent and make mistakes and do crazy things and forge new friendships and see all the opportunities that await them and connect their passions to their life and fall in love and get hurt and have to keep their bathroom clean and pull all-nighters before finals and eat cafeteria food and eat tuna and macaroni and cheese for a week straight and you know...do all those things. Especially Toni. That's what I want for my daughter. Well....for all practical purposes and in theory.
Yeah, sure....it was great to visit all those campuses trying to decide on which school she would go to and it was exciting to stand by as she got acceptance letters in the mail and it's been tons of fun to pick out bedding and bathroom accessories and things for the walls and the kitchenette.
That was then. This is NOW.
Have you looked at the calendar, folks?
It's August 13, 2009.

I know you know that Toni going off to college has been tearing at my heart. But, I doubt that you know how much it's really getting to me. Hey...I didn't even know how hard it's been hitting me until yesterday. Two things happened---Toni went to Kennywood with her cousins and Vince did his presentation for his candidacy exam. Two very unrelated things. But, what they both had in common was this--I wasn't there for either of them. Kennywood--a summer ritual. A PhD candidacy exam presentation--a once-in-a-lifetime really big thing. I am their mother--I am always there for rituals and big things. But, I wasn't. Yes, I could have gone to Kennywood. But, I couldn't. As for the candidacy exam thing--I'm pretty sure a mom showing up would not be good. But still.....

The incredible aloneness and uneededness that I felt last night made me want to eat potato chips. And, that worries me. It was bad enough that I spent the entire day *THIS* close to tears! But...then I had to spend an entire night wanting something I could not have---because #1--we don't have any potato chips in the house and #2--my Lapband was so tight from all the sobbing (making my stomach contract) I did on the way home from work. But....I really wanted potato chips.

You know and I know that I will get over this. But, I guarantee you--not without a lot of tears and potato chip moments.
Once again, I am thankful for my Lapband.