Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Battle of the Band!
Okay, okay, I know...I've been getting a little off-topic here....
It's been awhile since I've blogged specifically about my Lapband--other than to gush how much I love it. So, I thought I'd share a little bit about my Lapbanded life at this point of my journey.
I haven't lost 100 pounds. That's the bad news.
I haven't lost 100 pounds. That's the good news.
I've often thought that I only know how to do 2 things when it comes to weight--gain it and lose it. I don't know how to maintain it. Right now, I'm doing something wierdly in the middle....I'm not really gaining, I'm sorta losing but I'm mostly maintaining...going up and down a few pounds...evening it all out. Is that okay?
Well, it's not horrific. I'll say that much. Plus, it allows me to keep on journeying to lose 100 pounds....giving me a little more time to learn how to be 100 lbs lighter forever. With all that being said, I still really do want to lose 100 pounds. And, I really do want to fit into a Size 10. I just do.
Fills are fickle.
So, in February, I had a fill with a new tech--she was being trained. As with all fills, I spent the next 48 hours consuming mushy foods--as not to irritate my newly filled band. But, I noticed that I was able to consume scads of whatever it was that I was eating. So, I gave it a few days. As it turned out--I could eat anything and everything and lots of it. A call into the doctor was in order. Hearing my plight, they got me in to see the tech quickly. She was quite confused. Until she checked my band--it appears that I only had a slight fill. She had no idea how that happened but it did. And this was supposed to be a very tight band! So, she filled me back up to where I was supposed to be and sent me on my way. I reverted to the mushy foods again. No problem there. When I switched over to regular foods, I was able to eat a modest amount--although a bit more than I was able to eat in January. So, I gave it a few days. Still able to eat more than I should have, I decided to check in with the doctor's office just to be sure. Could I have a leak? Yikes! However, before I got a chance to go--my fill kicked in. Now, I'm really tight! I've had a few lapband episodes these past few days--one of them out of the blue while talking to a coworker...yeah, that was ugly. But, she was a good sport. So, why is it that my band is tighter than it was immediately after the fill? The mystery of the band.
My band is old news
Until quite recently, my Lapband was the focal point of a great deal of my thoughts, my energy and my blog . It's now taken a backseat to my arrival at 50. Which, when I think about it, says quite a bit. My Lapband has allowed me to arrive at 50 embracing it and focusing on it--instead of dealing with being a fat 50. It's allowed me to live 50 and not just survive it. It's a big thing.
I'm now a high maintenance diva.
....well, not really....it just sounds and feels kinda fun to say that!
I do feel more cared for. By me. I definitely pay much more attention to everything about myself--from my head down to my toes. It's not that I didn't care before. It's just that it wasn't as much fun to care. Now, the shopping is fun. It's not about buying the same pair of black pants in a bigger size every month! It's about needing new undies and going to Victoria Secret to buy them and squealing with delight over the styles and the colors! And, the results of my labors are more evident. For instance--when I got my teeth whitened--I could focus on that result and not the fact that my stomach was so big that it was all I could see when I looked in the mirror! Plus, now I'm all about caring what I eat and making sure it's amazing! No more pit stops at Wendy's or MacDonald's! I don't want to settle for lousy, just okay food. If I'm going to go out to eat--I deserve to eat at great places. I want the best possible tasting food and/or the best ambiance (and great company!). So, yeah....I'm wearing great undies, going to top-notch restaurants. Where's the paparazzi? Next I guess I'll be expecting a red carpet....huh?
My complex thinking skills are improving!
It's all about protein, protein, protein! At the end of the day--did I consume enough protein to make my body work as efficiently and optimally as possible as well as insure that I do not lose one strand of hair? How can I make sure that I get in my protein that without sacrificing one iota of taste and not packing on any pounds? Those questions force me into thinking more strategically when it comes to meals and they challenge my mathematical skills quite strenuously. Mental exercise at it's best!
Life is still life.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, my Lapband did not solve every problem, it does not stop new problems from arising and it certainly didn't banish all those things that get in the way of living a peaceful, serene and simple life! What it did do is help me not to have to face life as a fat girl. Which is quite different. I have more confidence...which is a huge bonus. So, when I am confronted by someone who is treating me inappropriately or unkind, I'm not standing there thinking that my weight or my appearance has anything to do with it. I guess you can say that I've taken off my fat girl glasses! I'm now looking at them thinking "this person is a real asshole/bitch/bastard "...(deservedly so).
My Lapband has not given me more hours in the day nor has it taken away the demands on my time. It's given me a bit more energy and desire to get things done--which is always good. And, it may have extended my life expectancy more so that I have more time in general. But, my days are still 24 hours and my to-do lists still exceed the time I have to accomplish them. My bedroom is still messy, my closets still need overhauled and my job is a pain in the ass. And, like everyone else--I have my days--when I'm either cranky, a little sad, in a panic,pissed off, riddled with guilt or feeling fearful. It's just life. I get it....
That's how it is folks. I'm doing what I do. Living my life. Having good things happen along the way. Having bad things happen along the way. Kicking up my heels every so often. Trying to get enough sleep. Learning new things. And, new lessons. Slaying dragons and mean folks. Loving and laughing. Coming and going. Singing and crying. Talking and listening. Living life in Judiland with a swell group of folks. And, I have a Lapband.