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Thursday, April 21, 2011

There's a new DIET in town.....

I got butterflies in my belly and my heart was racing and there were sweat beads forming on the back of my neck and I was *this* close to swooning.....

CATCH ME! CATCH ME! CATCH ME before I fall madly and hopelessly......
into a state of diet orgasmia...

Yes, I know, I have vowed off diets.
Sometimes us girls like the bad matter how much they hurt us.

As all life long dieters know, it's tough to shake your dieting habits.
Especially when a brand spanking new diet comes along.
With all of it's charm and promises and's so hard to resist.
The other morning when I heard an early morning news promo about a diet that had been sweeping Europe--that had helped the new princess-to-be shed so much weight--was coming to the United States, well.....I almost tripped over my pile to shoes to get to the TV to turn up the volume.
In between blow drying my hair and curling my eyelashes, I intently listened.
Luckily I didn't set my hair on fire or rip the eye lashes right off of my eye lids.
The excitement in my body was just too much to bear.

And, there he was--Dr.Dukan.
With his French accent and intent eyes.
He had me at lose weight quickly.
All I needed to do was eat lean protein and a few veggies and eat a certain kind of oat bran and walla......these bad ass visiting pounds would melt away.
I found myself getting ready to sin.
I plotted. I devised the ways. I made a plan.
First, I had to buy the book. But, I wouldn't tell anyone....because I don't diet.
Then, I had to find this oat bran.
But, I couldn't ask anyone where to find it.....because I don't diet.
I would hide my little indescretion. I would keep it all to myself.
I wouldn't even tell blogging friends and dieting brethren.
I'd sneak around and come up with stories to cover my lurid ways.
I'd cuddle up with the book in my bed while no one was home.
I'd tuck it under my bed with the dust bunnies and the wayward shoes.
I'd lock up my oat bran and hide the key in my bosom.
I'd eat my lean protein behind closed doors and in darkened alleys and back seats of cars.
No one would have to one.
Not even you.

I have to go to CONFESSION on Saturday.
I just can't add any more sins to the list that I already have to report on.
I can't be in that confessional all day. A girl has gotta go shopping.
Sometimes being Catholic spoils all the fun.

1 comment:

Kathy said...

You are too funny Judi, dear. Have a good weekend and Happy Easter.