They are mail bombing my neighborhood!!!
I'm running as fast I can!!!!!
We have a little issue with the mail in our neighborhood.
We haven't had a permanent mail carrier for several years.
My neighbors and I have no idea what not having a permanent mail carrier has to do with the fact that we are always getting each others' mail, our mail comes damaged a lot of the times and we even get mail belonging to folks many streets away. Other times, I get my mail several weeks (or even months!) after it was mailed to me. Each time someone calls to complain, we are given the same excuse---you do not have a permanent mail carrier. We've given up.
The other day when I returned home, I found a big white US Mail box sitting on my porch--filled with mail.
Now, I know I get lots of magazines and catalogs but did one day's worth of mail warrant that it be delivered in a box?
So, I hoisted the box up, brought it into the house and sat down to go through what appeared to be three weeks worth of mail!
As you can probably guess--only a fraction of the mail was mine. The rest belonged to assorted neighbors on my street and others on surrounding streets. As I was sorting the mail into piles of like addresses and names, I noticed how many pieces of mail in the box were from the AARP. By the time I was done, I counted a total of 66 pieces of mail from them---a few of the pieces belonging to me. One or two people were sent the AARP magazine---which instantly caught my attention because one of my all time favorite women--Diane Keaton--was on the cover.
But, most of us got the same type of envelopes--inviting us to become a member.
Was it a conspiracy?
I decided to deliver the mail to my close-by neighbors and let the mail carrier do the rest.
On one of my deliveries, the homeowner happened to see me and came out to chat. Naturally, we commiserated on the fate of our mail and brainstormed on ideas on how to deal with it--she seemed quite a bit more exasperated about the situation than I and she was very animated in the way she talked about it. As we were chatting, she was leafing through her mail...all of a sudden, she stopped mid sentence. It was one of those abrupt stops in voice that only happens when you are completely and utterly stunned. Her face contorted a bit and she wiped her brow with the palm of her hand.
She had found the AARP mailer.
After she regained her composure, she looked up at me--"At what age does the AARP ask us to join them?" she asked.
"I think I started getting the invitations around my 50th birthday. I guess they figure by the time we retire, we will succumb to the age thing and just join them! I hear they have good discounts." I quipped.
She seemed quite disturbed---no longer by the mail mishap but by the AARP mailer.
"I just don't get it, 50 years old and we are AARP material?" she stuttered--as if she were in disbelief.
"Well, if it would make you feel any better, I will tell you that in all the mail left at my house there were a total of 66 pieces of mail from them!" I told her.
"No, that makes me feel worse! Camelot for baby boomers is over! Baby boomers are now America's senior citizens! There's millions of us!" she relented, her eyes scanning the neighborhood.
"Yes, that's probably the case!" I agreed.
"Look around, Judi, there's more of us than there are of THEM!" she said, her finger pointing up and down the street in a random motion. "We have two young couples on our street. They are getting mail from Victoria's Secret and Abercrombie and Fitch and the rest of us are being bombed by the AARP!"
I looked up and down the street. She was right. I happened to live right next door to one of the young couples---lucky me, I get to live next to the young blonde with the perfect body who sun bathes in a bikini on her bedroom balcony---directly in eye shot of anyone sitting at my dining room table.
"Well, I get mail from Victoria's Secret," I said a little sheepishly.
"Victoria is not bombing us! The AARP is!" she reminded me.
I don't know about her but I'm being bombed by Victoria's Secret and the AARP.
I guess that means that I might be over 50 but I still got it....
Gee, I wonder if Victoria Secret gives an AARP discount? That might give me a reason to join!