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Monday, January 24, 2011

I just realized how YOUNG she was.....

My mother died when she was 53.

Today, I am on the road to 53.

I think this is bothering me.

I have so much more living to do.
Did she feel the same way?
I realize how much she missed.

I was only 14 when she died.
I didn't get it.
Now I know.

She didn't get to see her daughters...the 3 of us...become women.
She didn't see us walk down the aisle
She didn't see us become mothers.
She didn't get to see us be the women we are today.

She didn't get to meet Vince.
She didn't see his nose that hooked when he cried.
The DiPippa nose.
She didn't get to see that he looked so much like her brothers and her nephews.
She didn't get to love the boy whose eyes matched hers.
She didn't get to realize that she would be the grandmother of a boy who we would one day call Dr. Vince....her grandson, the PhD.
She would have been so proud.

She didn't get to meet Toni.
The little girl who I named after her.
The beautiful Italian looking girl with a quick wit and a penchant for parties.
She would have adored having a grandaughter like her...with brown eyes and dark hair and a love for fashion.
I wonder if she dreamed about her.
She didn't get to sew her a communion dress or a prom gown.
There were so many times I dreamed about that.
I wonder if she did too.
My mother would have truly, deeply enjoyed being Toni's grandmother.
I know that from the bottom of my heart.

My mother didn't get to meet her grandchildren....
Vince--the magic eyed boy with the stroke of genius and an every-day likability...
Alexa--the gorgeous, intense girl with the curly hair and the smirky smile
Andy--the compassionate and creative soul....
Toni--the beautiful, creative, witty girl...
Brett--the quirky, loveable intelligent fellow....
Jared--the loving, soulful boy....

Yes, I missed my mother.
Yet, she missed more.
Because she died so young.....when she was 53.
Funny....I just realized how young she was.
Because now I'm 52.
And I am young.

9 comments:

tessierose said...

Wow, this really hits home for me. My mom died when I was 13, she was only 50, yesterday was the anniversary of her death. I'm turning 48 this week and the sames things have been running through my head. Thanks for sharing!

Lee Ann said...

Judi it hurts my heart to hear you lost your mom so young and how you both lost out on so many memories together. I hope you felt her love for you from above yesterday (and all year round).

-Grace- said...

This was a very moving post, Judi. *HUGS*

Debbie said...

Beautiful post Judi.
My Dad died when he was 53 so I know exactly what you're feeling... I'm looking forward to turning 54...
I know we both have a lot more living to do !!!

Nella said...

Beautiful!

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

Oh Judi,
What a beautiful, beautiful post. I am here at work confirming patients. Reading while their phones are ringing. I couldn't leave a message, I had to hang up and call back.
Happy Birthday. And know that your mother wants you to outlive her two fold! She would be so proud of your kids!
Coincidence that the anniversary of my moms death was the 19th of this month and I've been thinking about her like crazy. Yesterday I went to the cemetery and trudged through the snow to put a Terrible Towel on her grave!!

Ron said...

Hi Judi, I was introduced to your page by Ashley Haas. (who i work with). Just wanted to let you know your blog is very powerful. This was a really nice read, and you seem like a really funny, interesting, and sincere person. Thanks for sharing.

amandakiska said...

So sorry for your loss! 53 is far too young to die.

My granmother is 81 and she says she feels as young as she did at 21.

Jessica said...

My mom also died at 53, just a couple years ago. She too missed seeing so much, including my getting married. Thank you for your post. It reminds me that I'm not alone in my grief.