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Thursday, January 13, 2011

I just can't shake the fear.....

of being fat again.

I said it.
Hopefully that's the first step towards my recovery.

Ever since my Lapband appointment last week, I find myself in this very odd place.
A place I haven't been in well over 2 years.
I mean....I only gained 2 pounds.
And, for all I know, those visiting pounds might be gone already.
But, since I swore off the scale until February would I know?
But, let's be honest....I don't think it's the 2 pounds that are making me this way.
I am pretty sure I'm going over the deep end over the fact that my band is filled to capacity.
Now, this is very bizarre.
When the rest of my Lapband friends are trying to get to the holy grail...aka THE SWEET SPOT...I am freaking out about the fact that I am at the sweet spot.
Yeah, I need to get a grip!

I'm doing nutso things.
Like waiting for my pants not to fit.
I mean....literally waiting.
As in--thinking they will get tight at any moment and then never fit again.
As if it will happen over a 24 hour period.
Or indulging in a little bit of ice cream--all the while thinking "there I go, sinking back into my size 22's"....
Or panicking that the dress I bought for my Godchild's wedding in July won't fit in July.
Wondering what the hell I will wear. That damn dress is just too perfect.
Feeling like I want to cry.
I'm so scared.
And, Carmen is not helping the matter much.
The gloom and doom fella that he is.
When I told him about the 2 pound weight gain--what did he say?
"I guess this means you are putting it all back on."
Couldn't he just say something like "what's 2 pounds over the holidays?"
No. Not my beloved.
He doesn't say much about the weight loss but he sure can kick me when I'm down.
Now I want to hide from him when I eat.
Should I be sticking my fork into his eyeballs instead of in my food?
Thank God I didn't tell him what has really been scaring the beejeebies out of me--the fact that my band is filled to capacity.
I can just imagine what he would say if I told him that---
Instead of telling me that I am crazy to worry and remind me that I still have my Lapband...he would increase my fears by getting all spastic on me.
He's not exactly a good person to have around when you need a rock to hold you up.
Just sayin'.....
But, really.....this is not about him or what he says or doesn't say.
It's all about me.
I'm the one going crazy.

Is this ridiculous or what?

I's all getting a bit out of hand.
My mind is racing with all these thoughts.
Crazy behavior is exhausting.

You know, it's very tiring being so consumed by weight.
No wonder it's so easy to throw in the towel when you are constantly worried about the next pound.
Pretty soon you are so tired of worrying about 1 pound or 2 pounds or 10 pounds, you just quit worrying.
And, you give in.
You just say enough.
Enough. Enough. Enough.
There's too many other things to worry about.
You don't want to worry about losing and gaining and losing and gaining.
Totally and utterly to-the-bone-exhausting.
That's why I always loved my band so much.
I didn't worry.
It was so freeing and felt so good.
Sure, I had to do the work.
But, I had this amazing tool.
Which I still have.
I know that.
I don't mean to talk in the past tense.

It's just that I have this fear..... And, I can't shake it.


Jacquie said...

You still have the band Judi. I also have a 4 cc band and my doc told me in the beginning that there is a point in any size band where you just don't go past. He didn't say what it was in mine but he said all docs were different on their "set point".

I am currently at 2.7 cc's full and thinking of having .1 taken out. I got this fill back in Oct. and its tightened up a few times and now is one of them. I can not imagine another .5 cc's in it! However, I know that the more fat I lose around my stomach, the band will need an adjustment. You must surely have no fat left around your Stoma and your band is closed to the point where any more fill will cut off the opening. That would not be pleasant, right?

Maybe if you weighed once a week it would alleviate your fear of gaining? I understand your fear of gaining all the weight back but I also know that after all this time with the band, your mind has also adjusted and you would never gain all the weight back.

Grandma Bonnie said...

I can empathize with your fears. I think most banded folks have that fear of losing the tool that helps us to lose or maintain our weights. I think it is good for you to verbalize your fears. I agree with Jacquie, maybe weigh once a week, have one day a week to really cut back on food, kind of a "fast" but with healthy only foods.

Nella said...

Wow 2 years and you still cant shake it! It may take me 20!

You are a band superstar and an inspiration!

Darlin1 said...

Don't worry Judi---there is an answer for any problem you think you might have.
I love how you have lost the weight and the joy you have living a full life---food and all!
I think we all worry about the what if's with the band!
That's why it helps to blog--right?


Debbie said...

I'm gonna smack Carmen upside the head next time I see him... I have all the confidence in the world in you and your ability to keep it off.

Shaggs said...

Oh my god! Thats it Judy you hit the nail on the head!! The worrying is back!!!! Me too me too me too me too!!! That crazy world that we once lived in where we just kept gaining weight no matter what we ate or did - its terrifying!! The band has kept me sane for 2 years and the weight has just kept coming off no matter what but now, NOW NOW!!??? Some weight has come on will it ever go again or is it the beginning of something sinister?? What happened to my "higher power"?? (My band) I handed all my power over to it and now WHAT!!!!! And my man is exactly the same with his comments I hate him hearing me get on the scales!! Aggghhhh! I'm gonna beat this and get back on a losing streak - good luck to you Judy so glad you posted this one means so much to me!

Shaggs said...

And even as I read my comment I hear the desperate dieter in me who obsesses her way into thinking about eating and not eating ALL the time. I WANT MY BAND BACK!!! Off to doctors on Tuesday gonna get filled to my eyeballs!

Nicole said...

Just Breathe...I agree with Jacquie have a weekly weigh in so you feel more "in control"

Dinnerland said...

Take a deep breath, I totally get what you're saying. This fear you have is a good fear, it is the same fear that tells you to slow down when you're speeding down a flight of stairs so you don't fall down or when you're on a train platform and you momentarily see yourself falling over the edge.