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Wednesday, April 22, 2009

The verdict.......and the test......

For those of you tuning in to see if I got a fill or not---the answer is NOT. After answering a boat load of questions from Mike (the best and most knowledgable technician!) and assessing the situation, we mutually decided that it was probably best to forgo the fill and live with the 2.9ccs in my 4 cc band that I already have. Thankfully, my obese girl behavior has not set in yet. That's not to say I didn't drive away from the appointment feeling a little bit cheated. I mean, after all, I really do want to drop these remaining pounds and I firmly believe that I need help doing it. Yet, with all of that being said, I'm happy with my success and progress thus far and I don't want to mess anything up by having a too tight band--something that could cause some major and possibly serious damage. So, I figure--the decision was made with 3 parts reason and 1 part caution. I'm okay with that equation and the resulting choice. It will have to do. For now.

You know, I've said it a million times and I'll say it a million times more--my Lapband was the best decision I made for myself--ever, ever, ever. But, if I would have known in August of 2007 that I still would not be at my goal weight in April of 2009--I am not sure if I would have gone through with it. I'm very unreasonable like that. Plus, I'm extremely impatient. And, those two characteristics would have been the doom of me. Because I can bet you my bottom dollar that if I let the fact that losing this weight was going to take close to 2 years stop me from doing it, I guarantee you that I would be sitting here 92 pounds heavier instead of 92 pounds lighter. Thank God I entered into Lapbandhood filled with massive hope and pure faith that I would be running around in a size 10 in short order!

So, I'll bet now you're wondering if I'm disappointed in the amount of time it's taken me to lose this weight. You can stop your wondering. I am not. There have been so many good things that have happened along the way to losing this 100 pounds that I was constantly buoyed! The milestones, the progress and the education were and still are all part of the journey. And, I'm not just saying that. I wholeheartedly feel like these past 18 months were meant to be just like they were---a slow and steady path to my goal of becoming the girl who lived inside my dreams. And, with each step--I didn't just get closer to losing 100 pounds, I got closer to realizing what time and effort really do mean in the whole scheme of life. And, I'm not done yet. I've come to learn two very important things--time goes by very quickly and I am a work in progress. And, with those two things, I have come closer to appreciating what has been given to me in this lifetime more than ever before. I don't imagine I'll ever be done traveling this journey even when the scale says I am.

So, yes, now that I opted not to get my fill, I believe that I am embarking on a test to see what I've really learned all these months.
Can I begin to think like a normal weight person and not live in constant fear of being obese again just because my band is not supremely snug? And, is my relationship with food really my relationship with food or my band's relationship with food?
Whew, this sounds rough!
But,I made it a little easier on myself. We all need a little help every once in awhile. And, believe me, I'm a girl who likes easy. So, I made myself a cheat sheet--AKA--this blog entry. Each and every time I feel myself slipping into obese girl behavior, I will stop and read this blog entry in hopes of irradicating it! And, you, as my witness, shall be with me as I take my first step towards living life as a normal weight girl......

Gimme a #2 pencil......(it is a test.....)


Jody V said...

Congrats on 92 pounds Judi!! Listen, my Doc has been ultra conservative on fills and I let that happen. So...I have been living the more "maintenance" life than losing. I can easily will NEVER go back to those obese girl habits! Your LapBand won't let you. If mine didn't...yours won't. I get ready for the fill to the finish line I just want to say...Thanks for being there on my adventure! You motivate us all!! Congrats again!!


Kathy said...

Judi, you are so right. I think reading this entry is a good idea when you are feeling weak or tempted. You are such an inspiration. I can't wait until I am that close to goal. I know this is a lifelong trip and I am glad to have met you and Jody to share the journey with.

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

Make a little book.One that fits in your purse. One page one put this blog post. Page two a hot picture of your size 10 self. Page three, all the tags from your size 10 clothes. Additional pages copy comments from blog. Last page, your start picture from two years ago.
When you feel yourself slipping--pull out book and give yourself a well deserved pat on the back!