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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Just when I thought I had it all figured out,

something like this happens....
I ate dinner. I mean, I actually ate dinner. No dramatic exits from the table. No family gross-outs. Just a lovely dinner with some of my favorite people. Yeah, this sucks....

So, here's the thing--I have a Lapband appointment today. And, since I've spent the past few weeks dealing with a very tight Lapband--which resulted in lots of challenging eating moments and several unpleasant, slightly messy episodes (but some wonderful clothes shopping trips!)--I made the very difficult decision not to have a fill today. In fact, I even called to cancel the appointment but then opted not to after talking with the surgeon's office manager (more on that later).

Deciding not to have a fill is a tough decision to make. Especially for a life-long dieter like myself who can't really shake that feeling that once I start eating, I won't be able to stop and then soon I'll be back in those Size 22 pants....again. I know, I know...I should be over this whole mind set.
It ain't easy folks. It just ain't easy.

Now, I'm not going to go on and on about this Lapband fill decision. Come 10:45, I'll have to make it. That gives me about five hours to figure this whole thing out. Maybe between now and then, I'll either eat an Egg McMuffin with no problem or choke on my chai latte. And, wa-la, my decision will be made. It might be a yuk-o way to solve my dilema but I'm not into the scientific method or anything quite so academic. If I puke--no fill. If I don't--get a fill. Elementary.

What's not so elementary is my fear of being fat again. I have to get over it! Period, that's it. There's going to come a day when I won't be deciding on getting a fill or not not getting a fill. Why? Because I won't need one. Why? Because I will have lost these 100 pounds and I will truly be a normal weight person. I'll have to live like one. Act like one. Feel like one. And, be one. From where I am sitting right now--that seems like the really hard part.

Most days I don't think about all of this. But, there are certain times when I do. For instance, when I bought a pair of darling pants at Anthropologie a few weeks back. I mean, I bought a pair of pants at Anthropologie. And, they fit. They really fit. When I modeled them in the dressing room for Toni, we both agreed they were a perfect fit. "You look skinny" Toni said. And, to be honest--I was feeling skinny. There I was--in the dressing room at Anthropolgie--amid the normal size girls--wearing a pair of pants--in a normal size. At Anthrologie. Okay, so you get it--I bought a pair of pants at Anthropologie.

What happened after I bought the pants is really what I want to talk about.

Given the fact that the pants from Anthropologie were Spring pants, I didn't get a chance to wear them right away. I placed the unopened bag in my closet, waiting for a Spring-like day to wear them. A few days later, I happened upon the bag and found myself praying over them---dear God, please don't let me grow out of them before we have a nice Spring day. Could You hurry up the nice weather a bit? Why did I find myself praying over an unopened bag, you ask? Trust me, it had nothing to do with the weather. It's because I'm conditioned that way. I am a big time pants-grower-outer from way back. And, I had the pants to prove it--many pair of pants with tags on them were given away--because I out grew them before I had a chance to wear them! That's why I prayed over my Anthropologie bag. Thankfully, the story has a happy ending. When that Spring day finally did come--I easily fit into my darling pants from Anthropologie. Yet, as I wore them, I kept hearing that little voice inside my head saying--you may never fit into these again. And, so, I live in fear of the day when my pants from Anthropologie won't fit. It's like I'm living on borrowed normal weight time. Isn't it?

It's the same thing with this fill. At the moment, my surgeon's office is very backed up on appointments. With one technician out on maternity leave and the demand for Lapband surgery increasing, they can't seem to fit everyone in. Right now, they are scheduling for July. When I heard this, I found myself panicking--I could gain 20 pounds waiting for a fill if I don't keep this appointment! How absurd is that? Absolutely absurd. As absurd as it sounds, I know it could happen. It's happened before--I've gained 20 pounds in less time than that! But, that was then. This is now. Why can't I get that into my head?
Maybe because.......
I am and I will always be.....a recovering obese woman.
And, perhaps I just need to remember.....
obesity is something that you just can't cure completely by losing weight.

Life is just so complicated.....


The Universe said...

Ohhhh, to be alive in time and space, Judi!

If only those now living could recall what such a prospect once meant to them
before their life began. And what it still means to multitudes in the unseen
now awaiting their own initiations who, try as they may, can't even imagine
the simple ecstasy of breathing.

To them, you already "have it all,"
The Universe

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

I quit smoking 16 years (and 70 pounds) ago.
I am still a smoker, if I had one puff of a cigarette today, by tomorrow I would be right back up to a pack a day.
Thats the problem with being overweight. You still need to eat. You can't give it up for life like an alcholic.
So I think what I'm trying to say is you will think like that for years to come.
Plus it's learned thinking. You didn't start thinking like that overnight, you are not going to change your thinking process overnight either.
But just look in the mirror hon!

(I know this is really, really bad grammar and spelling, but I am in a hurry, sorry!)

Ashley said...

I know exactly how you feel. i feel like i deal with those kinds of thoughts everyday. i gained about forty pounds and now that i'm back to my normal size i fear everyday about gaining that weight back bc it's so easy to do. so i really try to exercise when i can and find activities that keep me moving, so if i have a bad day or what i think is a bad day at least i'm being active. sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind over the whole weight and body issues. so just take it a day at a time like i do and you'll make it through(thats at least what i tell myself:))

luv ya

Kathy said...

oh I so understand what you have written. I too, have given away more clothes than I care to even think about. Most I wore once and some, I never got to wear. I lost weight and was at that special weight for about 4 minutes. Enough time to buy and outfit I would never wear. Hopefully the lapband is the answer to this frustrating stiuation. I know you had a hard decision of whether or not to get a fill. You are almost there Judi. I too wonder what will happen when I reach my goal. Then what?

Sher's Creative Expressions said...

Judi, you are such a gifted writer! I very much enjoy reading your postings.

I guess like an addict, or alcholic, you'll always be an overweight girl inside. I think this weight stuff is so challenging because unlike the former alcholic, drug addict or smoker, who must abstain totally and completely. . . people still MUST eat.

This is where "control" comes in.
Stinks, doesn't it? If I had "control" I wouldn't have this 30 -35 pounds to shake off now would I?



Anonymous said...

Bingo Judi...that's it! I plan on giving it the good old college try. Went today for the Psych evaluation. Thursday will meet the dietitian. I'm smiling lots.

Hugs, Lucy

Irishembi said...

If only they could invent a band to put on our brains eh?

I can relate to those feelings but then I've also had the opposite happen. I once lost a crapload of weight and was wearing those little skinny pants, shopping in places like Gantos (Damn I miss that store!) and Casual Corner (it really was a long time ago) and I thought I was CURED!

I thought I was a skinny girl.

That could eat whatever I wanted.

That skinny bitch in the mirror made me get fat again!

But I'd still like to see her again some day. Sigh.