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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

My ship is coming in...........

As part of my whole Lapband decision and journey, I made one of those deals with God. You know what I mean.....a little bargaining and wheeling and dealing! I told God if He helped me figure out how to deal with my weight issues and got me through all of the requirements for the surgery and everything else---I'd stop lying. Lying about why I couldn't do certain things---like go on exotic vacations and attend certain business-social events for my husband and participate in adventures that looked like they would be exciting. I would no longer come up with elaborate reasons why we couldn't take romantic getaways or weekend excursions. I would stop shying away from family fun like water parks, swimming pools and hikes. And, I promised Him that I'd grab life by the balls and run with it (I'm sure God winced a little when I said "balls"....). All I needed was a little help. So, as part of my little deal with God, I told Him if He walked beside me....just for a little while.....until I got myself going.....maybe until I lost about 50 pounds....then, I'd be okay after that. In addition to my God dealing, I took a solemn oath---to my husband. I promised......with my hand raised up and everything......that I would no longer come up with excuses not to be the girl I used to be and the person I really am inside. You see, I've spent the better part of the last 8 years running the other way anytime I had to deal with anything that remotely resembled being on display---regardless of the situation. I was fine with the everyday stuff. But, put me in a situation where I had to look and feel good about myself with a group of strangers or even with my own husband---anxiety would build to the point that I either made myself so sick that I couldn't do it or I'd find a perfectly good excuse not to do it. Now, most people who know me well are probably shocked to hear that! Well, that's because they know me and I know them. So, I'm perfectly comfortable with them. I'm good at switching on " fun girl Judi". No matter what it took, I'd get it together and fool them all into thinking that no matter how many extra pounds managed to find their way to my hips and belly, it was okay with me---I'd make it all work. And, I think I did that. And, since I've always had a very active life and a busy social calendar, who would have even guessed that I had many moments when I felt ashamed, embarrassed and horribly self-conscious of how I looked. The weight was killing me in more ways than one. Yes, it was doing a major number on my legs and my back and my feet but it was also eating away at my most important relationships. All of it.....behind the face of a smiling, happy person. Now, I'm not saying that I was miserable or on the verge of divorce or anything quite that tragic. But, I was suffering from low self esteem and crushing hopelessness. It was the "elephant in the room". And, ironically, I felt like the elephant in the room. No matter where I was or who I was with or how many times people assured me that despite my weight, I rose above it by dressing well, having perfect make up, great jewelry and fabulous shoes. Well, that's what they thought. Those who know me know me as the girl who loves to entertain and go to parties and whoop it up every once in awhile. And, they probably think that I just emerged from my bedroom each day with complete confidence in how I looked.....since I'm known to be a bit of a fashionista. They probably never imagined that in my very private moments, I fretted over the next outing, the next presentation at work or the next party. I never knew if my jeans would fit me next time or if those black pants would still work out. I wasn't quite sure if my blazer would cover my ever growing stomach and I had major fears that the elastic on my underwear would give way at any moment. You see.....I was working very hard at keeping it all looking good. It was tiring and expensive and just kept feeding my feelings of hopelessness. It made me lie and cheat and steal. I lied about why I didn't do certain things. I cheated myself and my marriage. And, I stole the smile of the girl who lived inside of me and slapped it on my face. And God knew all of that. So, when I came along with my bargain.......He listened. husband.....well.....I'm pretty sure he knew all of this too...because he did a pretty good job of playing along.

Well, guess what? It's time to make good on my deal with God and prove to my husband that my promise was real. We're going on a cruise......of all things. To Bermuda. Bathing suits and shorts and bright colors and little sandals and short sleeved tops and lacey underwear and little nighties and yes......that girl that lives inside me.


MariB said...

Sweetest Judi,
How did you know all of this about ME? I swear you have some kind of magic! When you write an extra special posting like this one, I cry! I have read this 20 times and emailed everyone to read it! You really are a special person and a fab writer. Thanks for sharing this. So happy to hear about the cruise. You hubby is a lucky fellow XOXOXOX MariB

Anna from Butler said...

Welcome back Judi!

Mari Beth is still crying at her desk after reading this post. So guess what everyone here is doing at lunch?
We are all cheering you on Judi girl!!!!

Anonymous said...

Another wonderfully done posting that really rocks! Your reveal was not as shocking as you think. I guess I always knew this about you (not the real personal stuff). Even though it never showed and you never should have worried so much! But I understand so much. Having known you for as long as I have, I can say that you always have had a grace and style and class about you that made your weight unimportant. You always walked into a room with confidence and made many of us want to be just like you. When Judi came, we knew we were in for a treat from your clothes to your shoes to your jewelry to your personality and your wit. So happy to hear about your cruise. YOU DESERVE IT!

Write a book girl!!! You owe the world THIS part of you!

Georgey-Girl said...

Thank you Judi for this very touching and lovely posting that has went deeper than you can even know. I followed you from LBTF where you are a rockstar and an inspiration. I feel so much like you are my friend and this posting really hit home. I haven't stopped thinking about this since I read it yesterday so I wanted to tell you.

Lauren said...

THIS touched me so deeply. BOYOHBOY can I relate! I am proud of you Judi! I am sitting here cheering you on! GO JUDI!!! I can't wait for the next entry. Your blog is my secret nugget that I want to keep all for myself! HA!HA! You must write a book. You are the best ever. Thank you for sharing this and every other piece of you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank YOU!
one of your "biggest" fans!

D said...

Judi, this is the first time I've read your blog (thanks to TexasBecky posting the link). What a wonderful post! I'm blown away by your open honesty and your newfound optimism. Congratulations!

Donna (aka Pizzicato66)

Anonymous said...

Thanks to TexasBecky, I read your blog for the first time today! I've been lurking for months at LBT and this caught me eye in the discussion on sizes. Divine intervention is what I call it! It came at the right time! Girl, you got it going on! You have no idea how much you have touched me with this posting. I can't wait to read your entire blog. It will be my weekend project! Thanks T-Becky for leading me here and thank you Judi for being out here in cyberspace!
Yes, I am your newest fan!

BigBandedBob said...

Rock that boat woman!