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Friday, March 28, 2014

"You must be confusing me with your other wife.....

your job....."


Did you ever get the feeling that the person who should know you the best doesn't know you at all?
If yes......me too.
If no......move along.  

As we head into the month that we will be celebrating our 32nd wedding anniversary (OMG!! 32???),  you would have thought we would have this marriage thing down pat and we could give a course on marriage.  Or,we could do the 100 question thing and get them all right. 
Um.  No.
You see, in my marriage....even though it's 32 years old....I can pretty much guarantee you that in real time, we have only spent 15 years of time together.
Yes, I've done the math.
Our life is just like that.....
So, I'm not sure why I expect my husband of 32 years of have me all figured out.
Because really....the man missed about 17 years of me turning into Judi 2014.
Yet, I know him like I know the back of my hand...because I'm smart like that....
Let's be fair---the 17 years of time that he missed were my transformative years.
You know...the years when I transformed.
He didn't transform.  He was always the guy he is today.....albeit a few grey hairs.
He seemed to have it all figured out a long time ago.  Perhaps engineering geniuses are like that.
Me? Ha!  I'm always bumbling on to the next thing, finding my way and stopping for some inspiration and influence along the way.
Perhaps that's just the way women are.  Or, maybe that's just the way Aquarians are.
Who knows.
But, it's okay. 
The other night, some dear girlfriends and I finally got together for dinner at a wonderful little place in between our homes.  We put it on the calendar in January just to guarantee we would do it.  That was a smart move....
We all happen to be celebrating a 30+ wedding anniversaries in the coming months.  And, they are all married to a pretty intense guys whose work schedules are only rivaled by my workaholic engineer husband.
Most of their husbands work schedules average 100 hour weeks.  My husband averages 105 (and that doesn't account for his travel schedule away from the house...these are just work hours).
No lie.  
We did the math.  
As always--our girl talk found it's way to marriages and kids and jobs and everything that goes with it.
We shared some stories, had a few laughs and came up with some sure fire strategies for world peace.
And, we drank a few lovely bottles of  2010 Spy Valley Savignon Blanc
And, in the comfort of this lovely little bistro, with our wine-infused thoughts, we toasted our long time spouses for leaving us to our own devices so much so that we had to find other kindred spirits to fill our time and our lives. 
Now that our children are grown and we don't care much about having dinner on the table or being applauded for perfect housekeeping and we are not worrying over flowing laundry baskets (truth--I never worried about them!), we are truly, truly thankful for each other--for very different reasons than we were thankful for each other in years past.
If it wasn't for the fact that we were career-climbing mothers with children around the same ages who were doing the mom thing on our own because our husbands were never available...would we have had the need or found the time to connect and become friends?  
I'm not so sure.
We had a need for help (car pooling, play dates, birthday party help etc), for companionship and for adult time and we found it in each other.  And, along the way, we found friendship.   We shared more than car pooling duties and dance recitals and cheerleading practice and football and little league and soccer games.  We shared a bond.  We shared a life together.  
We turned to each other in times of need, in times of celebration, in times of sadness and when we just needed to hear a friendly voice.  We somehow knew that in each other we would not find judgement or hear a reprimand when we were stuck at our offices and the nurse just called with a sick child or when one of us just needed a moment away from the mayhem for a glass of wine..... 
We knew each others' hurdles and challenges. 
We knew it all.  And, then some.....
So, when one turned to all of us and asked......
"Do our husbands know how much we love this place?" (referring to the restaurant)
There was not one hesitation.....
"No..." we all  answered in bewildered unison.
"Mine doesn't either..." she answered, seemingly in deep reflection.
"You would think they would..."  another quietly said.
"Perhaps," I said, shrugging my shoulders with a quiet acceptance.
Then, finding the silver lining, I mused.... "let's just keep it our little secret....
"We have a lot of our own little secrets, " one girlfriend giggled.
"WE are a secret to our husbands!"  another laughed.
"If you mean they don't know who we are, you are 100% right!"  another responded with amusement.
"And that's a very good thing...."  I dead panned.


With that, we once again toasted our husbands....this time because they just don't know what they are missing.  
And, we are okay with that. 

















2 comments:

Tracey Delaplain said...

I was the spouse who worked 100 hours per week for years and I hope I said thank you every day to my husband of 31 years. I salute every mate who keeps the home fires burning while juggling a career, kids and friendships. And thank you Judi for your blog. I look forward to reading it every chance I get. Be well, Tracey

FitBy40 said...

Girlfriend time is awesome!
I thought my husband worked a lot, but he's not near 100 hours! Yikes.
I actually don't mind it when he's out of town on business, the kids and I enjoy our time together and make our own schedule and do fun things we don't normally do.
That's our secret!