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Friday, May 31, 2013

"Got any death bed advice for me?"

Asked my lovely spirited friend......

Her question took me quite by surprise.
Sure, we were having our second glass of wine and she has been having a rough go of it lately.
But, death bed advice? 
Who's death bed were we talking about?
I mean.....really.....we are two 50-something gals who are in pretty decent shape and other than the occasion contraband smoke and a little living on the edge, we aren't really that close to our death beds....are we? 
Regardless, the question intrigued me enough and the wine was flowing enough...and we still had half of  the bottle to go.... it only made sense to oblige my spirited friend in that conversation.....
Some of the best conversations happen over a bottle of wine.....
The conversation went something like this:
ME:  What the HELL are you talking about?
HER:  Well, I was just thinking that if you were on your death bed, what advice would you give me?
ME:  Why in the HELL were you thinking about that?
HER:  I figure that might be the only time a person might really give the best advice and the only time that I might listen....
ME:  So, you think my best advice to you will come on my deathbed?  And, you are admitting to the fact that the only time you would heed my advice is when I am on my deathbed?   WTF?
HER:  Well, no not really.  But, you know.  Don't people say pretty powerful things on their deathbed?  And, don't people carry out deathbed-given advice because they would be afraid not to?
ME:  I really don't know.  The only deathbed advice I ever got is from my mother and she told me not to use the deep fryer for hot dogs.
HER:  Well, have you fried any hot dogs in the past 40 years?
ME:  No.
HER:  My point exactly!
ME:  Well, to be honest, I would have preferred more prolific advice from my mother! I mean....really!
HER:  But, still, it was good advice.
ME:  And, I listened.  But, she was my mother.....I had to listen.
HER:  I get it, I get it.  She probably couldn't think of anything else to say. 
ME:  Yeah, it's true.  She was kinda pissed I fried so many hot dogs when she was made the drapes smell.....or so she said. 
HER: It was good advice.  Now, I want you to pay it forward!
ME:  But, I am not on my deathbed.   I guess I could advise you not to fry hot dogs. 
HER:  I won't.  They would go right to my hips.  But, fried hot dogs do sound pretty good right about now.  I haven't eaten anything but lettuce, oranges and tuna for a week straight. 
ME:  What the hell?
HER:  Yeah, I am supposed to lose 7 pounds.  Some kind of diet.....
ME: you really want me to give you some death bed advice?
HER:  It depends. 
ME:  On what?
HER:   If you are going to tell me to stop all these diets, I'm not going to listen!  
ME:  You said you wanted death bed advice!  You said you would listen!
HER:  Not about that.  Nope.  Not about my dieting.  I know I keep losing the same 10 pounds and gaining the same 10 pounds but that's my thing.
ME:  Okay, then what do you want me to advise you on?
HER:  How to lose these damn 10 pounds forever!  
ME:  Will you listen?
HER:  Pour me another glass of wine and I will consider it.......

Girlfriends. Wine. Diet Talk.
They go together like sandals and pedicures.....

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