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Thursday, May 14, 2009

Blue eyes lost in the maze.....

.....my dad, my sisters and I.....


I'm not good with this stuff. Oh, sure, I'm good with it on the outside and I do what I need to do. But, on the inside....not so good. First there's all this medical stuff. Then, there's all this caretaking stuff and the decisions and the waiting and the unknown and the tests and the prodding and the pills and the questions and the folks in lab coats.

Then, there's that look in my father's blue eyes.

That's what hurts the most.

I just cannot watch blue eyes fade away. It breaks me in two. It crumbles my heart and tears away at my soul. I need blue eyes to twinkle and dance and smile. That's what they were meant to do....

So, that's what we are dealing with today. My father is drifting in and out of his twinkling blue-eyed self. His once quick wit is now a delayed reaction. He talks into space to someone who was once there but has been long gone. We can't even begin to imagine what is going on behind those beautiful blue eyes. It brings us to tears when we begin to think about it all. But, all is not lost--we know that his gift for gab is fighting to remain, that his cheeks are still rosey and that his dear heart is still beating. And, one more thing---he never forgets to tell us when he's hungry. For that, we are ever thankful.

Yes, there are flashes of the man who watched the Penguin game on Saturday night with us. There are momentary glimpses of the guy who read a stack full of gossip magazines that same night and who told stories of the war on our drive home. How did this happen so quick?

As much as life here in Judiland has changed, much has stayed exactly the same. There are still people who depend on me, chores that need done, work that must be attended to. I have to wake up and get Toni to school and I need to get to work. My family needs to eat. The dishes need done. No matter how much I want the world to stop and let me just be--it doesn't! Damn this world!

My responsibilities and commitments harness me from running towards my father's hospital bed just to gaze upon him and to make sure he is still there. Even in the face of what is happening, I have to do what I do no matter how heavy my heart is or how consumed my thoughts are. I have to keep the world turning and life moving along. Because I am Frank Carr's daughter and that's what he expects. And, this time, I'm not going to disappoint. Even if he doesn't know it.

This adult behavior sucks.

I want to go back to being my father's child.


Yes, I am lost.


6 comments:

The Universe said...

The more you lean on me, Judi, the stronger we become.

Lean on me,
The Universe

Jody V said...

Judi -

Again, my thoughts and prayers are with you and yours. The Universe is right...Lean on me...we all need that time to time.

Jody

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

Judi,
You certainly have a way with words.
How sad it is when our fathers are no longer super-human.

During my fathers last bout we were sitting in the Dr. waiting room, he turned to me and said "I hope it's not Devin (my son)who finds me"
I said what? He said it again.
It broke my heart.I didn't know what to say.
So of course I put comedy into it. I told him "Who in the hell do you think will find you, Devin lives with you." He just laughed.
I'll be praying for your father.
Just think, when he fades from you, he's probably been having a grand old time with your mother.

Debbie said...

I have watched my Mom's eyes fade away, over the past 10 years. Sometime she looks at me like I'm a stranger, other times she says
"You're my Debbie". It is absolutely one of the most heart wretching ordeals I have ever dealt with, and I've dealt with my share. It is worse watching her slip away slowly than my Father dying when I was 19. My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

Anonymous said...

Dear friend, I send you hugs and prayers. Wish we lived closer so I can give you a break. I know the feelings and the sorrow.
Lucy

Sher's Creative Expressions said...

Ahhh, Judi, this parent being the child and the child being the parent thing isn't too fun is it??

I'm sorry! Hugs and prayers to you.

Blessings,

Sher