The final quarter of my 49th year....
I'm not much into looking at a year in quarters the way the financial world does it. But, it occurred to me yesterday...for some odd reason....that the year is 3/4 over. In my typical way of doing things, if that particular thought occurred to me, I'd see it more as a signal to think about Christmas shopping than anything else. Yet, at the moment, I am pondering it a bit differently. Sure, I guess I am still thinking that Christmas shopping is becoming more of a reality than it was a few weeks ago. But, mostly, I'm realizing that I'm slowly eeking out of my 40's and drifting into my 50's. Honestly, age is not a big thing for me. However, these years that end in zero kind of make me stand up and take a little more notice. And, let's be honest here....the number 50 is just a little more daunting than those other years that end in zero. Daunting in that 50 feels more grown up. More like the age of someone's mother or grandmother. Not the age of a young soul like me who hasn't begun to really live. I mean really live. I'm pretty sure I have lots more things to do. Lots more goals to reach and many more dreams to full fill. I'm not quite sure what any of them are. I just know I have to have them. Don't I? Am I that low maintenance or are my expectations that low or am I lazy or am I so damn content? If so, is any of that all that bad? Right this minute, if someone said to me that I should make a list of the 100 things I want to do before I die, I'd be hard pressed to do it. Mostly because I've never lived with any sense of urgency. I've always lived believing that I had a lot of time ahead of me. And, in that time, I'd not only figure out what I really wanted out of life but I'd also be well on my way to getting what it is what I wanted. I guess I always figured that by the time I reached 50, I'd have it all figured out. But, unless that all happens between now and January 23, my figuring was wrong. I don't mind being wrong. But, I don't know how I feel about maybe missing out on things.
I've always felt young. Maybe it's because my mother sent me to school when I was 4. Ever since then, I've always been the youngest kid in the room (the classroom, that is). Everyone was always older than me. I hung out with older kids. I reached the age to drive, the age to vote and the age to drink later than all of my friends. I was always lagging behind in the age game. In many ways, that used to make me feel pretty special. On the other hand, it used to piss me off. When everyone else was driving and getting jobs, I had to stand by and watch. When they legally went into bars, I'd have to figure out another way to get in if I wanted to hang with them. Yes, it made me that much more creative and filled my days with lots of anticipation. But, mostly, it was just the way it was.
So, here's the thing....I am going to spend the final quarter of my 49th year trying to come up with a plan and maybe a list. The other night, my 2 wonderful and spirited friends mentioned that they had been talking about what to plan to celebrate my birthday. I told them the only thing I was really planning was to get my teeth professionally whitened. How boring does that sound? It's the only thing I had really thought a little about. Getting whiter teeth. It's the only thing that made it to my list....so far. So, I'm wondering--what are the things that I'd really like to set my mind to doing? Do I want to take yoga? Do I want to go to Paris? I mean, what the hell do I want to do....really?