At night, I'd put my life in reverse. I'd grip my hands on the steering wheel, put my diet coke in the cup holder, light up a cigarette and speed towards home. Listening to DVE....rock n roll.....turned up loud. Very loud. Picked up one at day care, got the other one off to baseball or soccer or wherever. Throw dinner in the oven. Sneak out back to have a cigarette. Head off to pick up one kid while the other squirmed in the back seat. Back home. Dinner. The sounds of Gameboy and Cinderella. Throwing dishes in the sink. Homework. Barbie dolls. Bath time. Story time. Begging my kids to go to sleep. Waiting for that magical moment---the sound of silence. Maybe a glass of wine. Maybe another cigarette. Fall into bed. Do it again. And again and again and again. Yes, I was missing a lot. But, I didn't have time to know it.
I can't say what the rest of the women in the world were doing in the 90's. I was busy...raising 2 kids, trying to keep a house going, trying different diets and doing my job. Yeah sure, I'd see other women---as I zoomed past them as they stood on the corner chatting. I'd see them in the grocery store as they narrowly escaped being run over by me as I raced through the aisles. I'd see them as I dropped the kids off at school. I'd often think--where did those other mothers go each morning? You know---the ones who leisurely walked their children up to the school door. Did they go home and bake brownies and do laundry or did they meet their girlfriends for coffee and talk about blow jobs and politics? The world was a blur in my rear view mirror. An impressionist painting. Lots of colors. No clarity. I was racing through it. I probably missed a lot. But, I didn't know what I didn't know.
"Did you see Sex In the City last night?" someone asked me one morning in the 90's as I was getting my tea at the office. Had no idea what she was talking about. Hell, I hadn't even had any sex in the city lately let alone seen any sex in the city. "It's a show on HBO.." she explained, realizing I was completely confused. "Oh, we don't have HBO..." I told her...."kids" I said...trying to explain why I lived in an HBO-less home. And, to be honest, even if we had HBO.... adult TV was a very rare luxury in my 90's life. Seeing Cory's parents on "Boy Meets World".........that was my adult TV watching. Ask me anything about Sabrina's 2 aunts on "Sabrina The Teenage Witch" and I could tell you. But, "Sex in the City"......no chance. I was having a hard enough time sneaking loud rock n roll and a few cigarettes into my life. Any more sneaking would have just have been too stressful. So, for that time being, cigarettes and rock n roll were my bad girl behavior. Sex in the city, in the country or in the backyard just wasn't. Clearly, I was missing a lot. I just didn't know it.
It's another century. Yes, I know, it's been another century for 8 years now. But, I'm late to the party. I was still living in my Van Gough world...dangling my feet in the clearer world...just to see how it felt. But, things are getting clearer now. Thanks to Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte. My heroes. My mentors. My companions. My friends. They are helping me get through. I owe them a debt of gratitude. I never knew how much I missed them. It's probably best we didn't meet in the 90's. It's best we met in April of 2008. What are friends for? They know when you need them.....even if you never told them.
Yes, I'm doing Sex In the City......reruns..................ALL NIGHT LONG.