Saturday, June 5, 2010
I'm shrinking away to nothing!
Who said that?
Oh, it was me.
Yes, it's me.
Honestly, friends, I don't want you to throw tomatoes at me or curse my name. And, I am by no means bragging or putting on any airs.
I'm just sayin'......I'm shrinking before my eyes.
Well, more accurately---my pants are falling off of me.
No. No. I'm not exposing my cute little undies in public nor am I loosing my drawers as I walk.
I am going through this amazingly perplexing phase....more like a phenomenon....where every pair of pants (all purchased in the past 2 months) are too big.
This is completely unheard of in Judiland!
Is someone coming into my bedroom and stretching them out while I sleep?
I swear when I was heavy, my dryer could shrink a pair of pants two sizes....I could always count on that. You know what I mean.....one day the jeans fit or the black pants fit then you wash and dry them and the next time you go to put them on, they are two sizes too small.
Perhaps my dryer is getting old. I mean, sure, my pants are getting dry just like they did in the old days. But, when they come out, they are still the same size.
Or, maybe....just maybe...it wasn't my dryer that shrank those other pants.
Maybe it was the pasta and the nachos and the fast-food-on-the-go that had something to do with it all.
I hate laundry.
So, I have no intentions of doing any major research on the issue of dryers shrinking pants.
I'm pretty sure I told you that I think I have a stubborn body. It gets into modes and stays there with no help from me. My theory has been that when I was gaining weight, my body just kept gaining it. And, when I was losing weight, my body just kept losing it.
That was my theory..... until yesterday.
Sure, it might be somewhat accurate but not entirely.
I don't like to admit that I'm completely wrong.
You heard it here folks....
When I was gaining weight and kept on gaining weight, I am sure my body stubborness wasn't wholly to blame....
So, if I accept that, I am going to have to accept that my body stubborness has nothing to do with the weight that is currently peeling off of me and making my brand new white capris look baggy on me....
What's the deal?
Could it have something to do with my age?
You know...the shrinking old lady effect.
Doesn't happen in my family.
My grandma...who I supposedly take after.... weighed over 300 pounds when we buried her when she was well into her 80's.
And, my dad is definitely not shrinking....he's 89. Remember....he always wants to go on a diet.
Last week he wanted to join Weight Watchers (I think he just wanted to go to the meetings to meet women).
But I think he deserves those twice daily klondikes and those fist fulls of mini hershey bars.
So, no Weight Watchers dating service for him.
Then, I got to thinking about this.
It's not my stubborn body or the aging process.
It's plain and simple......I am not eating that much.
Is that crazy or what?
That's why my pants are all baggy.....
But, here's the kicker.....
I don't feel deprived. I don't feel hungry. I am not living on lettuce.
In fact, I don't eat much lettuce at all.
I'm eating candy when I want it. I have had nachos.
I eat chunks of amazing, full fat cheese. I drink wine.
I love my gin gimlets. And my martinis.
I ate loaded mashed potatoes. Twice this week.
Shit, I even ate potato chips with dip last Saturday night.
I had polenta with pepperoni and raisins last night.
I had a taco the other night.
I am still addicted to my Chai Lattes.
I devoured a crab cake with an amazing sauce made from mayonnaise the night before that!
I've been to restaurants and parties and Dairy Queen.
I am not starving.
Honestly, I am not.
Is this ME I am really talking about?