My vanity is showing.........

My husband's Christmas party is Friday night. And, I'm not sure if anyone....or everyone....knows that I had weight loss surgery. You're probably thinking "why don't you just ask your husband..."? Well, I already did that. His answer? "I think I told Mark and maybe Barb...". Mark is his boss. Barb is his Administrative Assistant. "Well, did you tell them or not?" I pushed. "I don't know, maybe," he told me. "You can't remember or you don't want to admit to telling them?" I continued to quiz him. (For the record--I never asked him NOT to tell anyone) "Can't remember. My mind is shot, I'm so busy," he said--trying to get out of it by using his standard 'I'm busy' line. So, as you can see---asking my husband is of no use. Now, there are several reasons why I am curious if he told anyone. My thinking is that if he did tell at least 1 person then that means that many more know. It's just one of the things that people talk about. It's not exactly water cooler talk but it's definitely good gossip..."did you hear that his wife had weight loss surgery?" ( I would be guilty of that myself) I mean, I'm sure it wasn't the topic of conversation for days on end! But, sure, if the info is out there then I expect it was mentioned....if he told anyone (which he doesn't remember!) Maybe my husband's office is as he says it is----so busy that they don't have the time or interest in personal stuff. Or, perhaps they are just such higher beings that they do not resort to conversations about anything less than structural stability. Who knows! But, still......! Practically speaking, it's just nice to know who knows what about me. And, of course, I don't want to wonder why the woman across the table from me is starring at me while I eat.
Okay..... here's the real deal---if they do know, they will probably expect me to look "thin". And, although I do look "thinner", I am by no means "thin". Will they expect me to be suddenly "thin"? And, since I'm not "thin", will the way I look be a let down for them? Which, in turn, would cause them not to comment on my weight loss because they don't think I really lost that much? Or, if they do know, maybe they won't say anything because it feels weird or uncomfortable. Or, let's just say they don't know.....will anyone say anything at all to me just about the fact that I lost weight? Or, maybe no one cares! Geez....do I sound like a lunatic or what? Yes, I do. I admit it. It's just that I'm at the point in my journey where I need to hear compliments on my success. Yes, that's right--I need attention. At home, no one really says much. So, I have to "go out" for it!!! Maybe I should just have them announce me at the door "Judi, being escorted by Carmen. She had weight loss surgery in August." What do you think? That would only work if I looked good. AHHHHHHHHH.........

So, what got me to thinking about this so much tonight? Well, because I'm in a fashion crisis. As I've already noted, I practically have a clothing store in my attic filled with things that I "grew out of". So, I trudged up there and picked out several dressy pieces with the hope that I'd find at least a few things that might work for this rather formal event. I figured I'd go out and treat myself to some extra nice accessories instead of having to buy an entire outfit. As I threw them all on my bed, I realized---I have a lot of BLACK! And, trust me, none of these things can be categorized as "a little black dress". I'm sure that's not unusual---- most people who have struggled with their weight and body image for years have a lot of black clothes. So, there I was----trying things on, looking in the mirror, looking at myself from each angle, taking them off, throwing them back on the bed and feeling completely miserable. A mountain of lovely clothes on my bed and nothing to wear. So, what's my problem? Oh, you know what it is......I have no idea if anyone....or everyone..... knows that I had weight loss surgery.