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Tuesday, May 13, 2014

It's all good........

but, damn I am tired.  
We've had several weeks of things like.....(in random order, of course)
Painting margaritas and drinking margaritas.....

Cocktails and girlfriends.....

Hanging with the girls at the Bruce bar....

Drinking margaritas with silly glasses on, wearing a painting apron....

Racing for the cure with my man in pink....

Eating the most amazing crab cakes in all the land....

More margaritas....and snacks....
Several of these wonderful concoctions....

Yes, it's been all good.
BUT, still....
I come here to my blog this morning red-faced.  I should be blogging MORE.
Blogging is what I need to do to keep me focused and away from the ugliness of going off course. 
And, I know I've been teetering off course more than ever.  Why am I eating chocolate daily?
But, I am oh so tired.  Tired like never before.  Chocolate helps. 
And, I'm drained.  Drained more than ever before. I need more chocolate. 
I'm caught in this votex--I'm pretty sure I'm so tired and drained because I have been veering off course.
But, I'm so tired and drained that everything feels heavy and overwhelming.  Even writing my blog.
The world is spinning so fast and I'm holding on so's zapping my energy.
This. is. not. good.
Last night as I dragged myself into the kitchen to muster up the energy to #1--come up with something to make for dinner and #2--actually make something for dinner, I found myself heading to the snack cupboard instead of the fridge or freezer--oh yes, chips with salsa and melted cheese would be much easier to make, maybe I'll just follow it up with some chocolate-raspberry Easter eggs, is there anymore of that yummy Malbec in the wine cabinet? ----I realized just how far off course I had let myself travel. 
As I watched my hand search through the maze of snacks in the cupboard, I was struck by my complete lack of awareness----it was as if my hand was connected to another person's body.  My head was saying there's salmon in the fridge, Judi but my hand had other ideas.  
If that was an out of body experience, I gotta tell you---it was powerful. 
Very powerful. 
It was frightening.
The voices in my head were yelling at my hand but my hand just couldn't connect.  It took everything in me to pull myself away from the snack cupboard and drag myself over to the fridge to grab the salmon.
It was then and there--standing in my kitchen holding my salmon tightly in my hands--- that I decided that I can't let my hand control me.
My head has to be in charge.
This morning, I awoke with a plan.
Well, the first step of the plan.
That first step is......write about it all on Stories from the Road.
 And, so, I am. 

1 comment:

Grandma Bonnie said...

I am so glad you are back!!! I need my Judi stories, but I really need to hear about your journey with regain and resurgence of bad eating cause guess who else is on that road?? I have had a 7 pound regain after 3 1/2 years and am freaked. I know it is the increase in booze and uping the desert ante. I did start yoga and cycling and I hate group exercise like the devil.
Tell us your eating plan, drinking plan, exercise plan. We need the vicarious boost.
Glad you are back.