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Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Daylight Savings Time Day #2.....IT'S DARK!

So, I have a question---why is it called Daylight Savings Time?
I have not seen daylight since Sunday.
I get up in the dark, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark.
Perhaps that's why I ate chocolate in the darkness of my living room last night....dark chocolate to be exact.
Or, maybe I attacked that damn dark chocolate because I needed to suppress some darkness in my heart.
As tears poured down my face, I sat in a dark living room, devouring dark chocolate.
I don't even like dark chocolate.
Emotional eating behavior at it's darkest.
Definitely my dark side coming out....

Everything is just dark.
I'm not good with dark stuff.
No, not at all.
That's why I wear lipgloss.
I like things shiney and bright.

You know, most days I find smidgens of darkness with my job or my housework or with my schedule or my hair or due to parenting adult children who I can no longer control 24/7 or even disagreements with my husband or dealing with traffic or long lines at the grocery store or rude people and all the things that most of us find not so fun sometimes.
But, I don't typically find darkness in the things that usually bring me great joy.
Unfortunately, darkness has found it's way into a part of my life that has always been an easy joy---a joy that was effortless, light, fun and filled with light--my big happy group of cousins.

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed with sadness and helpless darkness.
The story is rather simple but, of course, the back story is very complex.
The complexity is what has turned that light-filled world dark.
It goes like this---my cousin had a very lovely small dinner for her mother's 90th birthday at a local restaurant.
It was such a nice event--my aunt was thrilled and enjoyed every second of the much deserved attention that was lavished on her.
It was truly a joyous occasion. I love my aunt dearly. I enjoy my cousins tremendously and we always have a lot of laughs.
I was so happy about my aunt's 90th birthday that I brought balloons.
It was that kind of party....there were no balloons....I decided to bring them just to make it a little more special. I had a coupon for 20% off on a dozen of balloons. So, I brought 12!
It wasn't a huge party--it was one of those last minute, let's get together for dinner and sing Happy Birthday kind of things.
I designated myself the photographer of the event.
As I was leaving, several cousins asked me to post my pictures on Facebook.
Of course, I did. I didn't have to be asked--it's what I do.
So, as soon as I got home, I sat down at my computer and posted the pictures along with some fun commentary.
Well, no good deed goes unpunished. Not even posting pictures or buying balloons.
The power of Facebook brought the small dinner at a local restaurant to life for every non-invited cousin on Facebook.
It's not that they were not invited. It just wasn't that kind of party.
But, I guess my pictures and my commentary were so good that I made it look like that kind of party....
Yes, every cousin who was not invited must follow my Facebook pictures. Who knew?
I am thankful that they do. I'm so glad they care.
But, I didn't know they really read everything I write....
I had no idea. Nor did I even think about it.
I honestly did not know people had that much time or cared so much.
Therein lie my huge mistakes--I didn't know and I didn't even think about it.
I posted pictures. I said fun stuff. There were balloons.
Clearly balloons at a restaurant makes any small dinner a big party!

The firestorm began around 9 am Monday morning and did not end until midnight.
I haven't simultaneously apologized and cried so much since I got caught making crank calls to pizza shops with my friends Ginny Lou and Linda in 7th grade.

THOSE pictures that I posted on Facebook have created an explosion of cousins saying nasty things to each other, cousins crying, cousins bringing up past hurts and cousins digging up histories that have long been dead and buried.
It's ugly. Ugly. Ugly. Ugly.
I'm heartbroken that my pictures have caused so much pain and grief.
It was never my intent.
It has taken me by complete surprise.
I got a tongue lashing from my own husband.
My son told me I should have known better.
I've been hung up on, yelled at, beaten down via email, texted harsh words and everything in between.
There have been hysterical outbursts and deep, heart wrenching sobs.
And, that was from my male cousins.

My Facebook is now dark.
I've turned off the lights.
I can't imagine I'll be gone forever....I would miss bantering and checking in with my friends and especially my children.
I just need time to walk through the darkness.
It might be something I have to get used to for awhile.

Unfortunately, I don't think the big ta-do has died down yet.
No, I'm pretty sure I'll be having a few more conversations, a few more tears and many more apologies to make.
I don't even know what I'm apologizing for anymore.
I just know that I feel a need to say I'm sorry.
I feel just terrible that my pictures have caused a tsunami among a beautiful group of people who I just love so dearly.
I want it all to go away and I want the sun to shine again.
Can we turn back the clocks?


Grandma Bonnie said...

So sorry you are going thru this. It sounds very hurtful and to have to apologize when you know you did not do anything intentionally wrong is especially galling. This too shall pass and I hope it does not dampen your special light too long. I am a long time reader and felt the need to try and comfort you since you have given me so much fun reading about the Judi life. Keep on smiling girl.

Debbie said...

Ahhhh Judi, we live and learn... You have inspired my daughter to de-activate her fb account. I also am on hiatus in support of you. Words can get misconstrued and taken out of context when they are printed rather than hearing someone speak with all the inflection and celebration in our voices. It's such a shame because I know this conflict is tearing you apart. My friend Dottie has a really good saying "Family is family, thanks God for friends" Keep your head up high old friend you did nothing wrong, shame on your cousins...

Jody V said...

Oh Judi...Dear Lord...they suck!! They all suck!! Do they share Frank's last name?!? I looked at those pics and I am sure the family is VERY glad you took them. Documenting someone's 90th birthday is wonderful..By the way...Aunt Tee looks like she will live until 140!! You know what my (Frank's) family is like...the hell with them! You can't take the stick out of their ass...don't let that stick bother you!! I'm with you on the FB hiatus....screw the cousins! Shame on them!!