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Thursday, October 21, 2010

Did this really happen?

Sometimes I still can't believe I lost 115 pounds.

I know, I know....shut up already, Judi!
It's old news......

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about this whole weight loss thing.....wondering why I got so lucky as to have so much success with the tool that I chose.
My beloved Lapband.
I mean--let's face it--I used many, many tools over the years.
From weight loss groups to medical weight loss programs to pricey gyms and diet doctors and medications to every weight loss program on the planet.
I spent thousands of dollars, thousands of hours and thousands of grams of effort and yet when it was all said and done--I. Could. Not. Do. It.
Is the Lapband just that miraculous?
Or, it is something more?
As much as I know that it is an amazing tool, I also realize that not everyone is successful.
Even more-- I wonder if I would have chose to have this weight loss surgery at another time in my life--would I have been as successful?
Interestingly--all of this thinking has led me to one very clear answer.
Because it's become my life.
If I'm not thinking about it, I'm doing it.
And, if I'm not doing it, I'm thinking about it.
Losing the weight, keeping it off and living with my Lapband is what I do....every minute of every day....
Everything starts and ends with that.
I don't mean to make it sounds cultish or crazy because it's not that way at all.
It's my normal.
Somewhere in those ensuing months between getting my Lapband and losing the weight, it all clicked and it became the focus of my world.
(I feel like I should break out in song here.....)
Maybe that's why the other tools never worked.
Maybe I never fully embraced them and used them to their fullest potential.
I did not make them important enough.
Maybe they could have worked.
Maybe I wasn't quite ready.....even though I was always so sure that I was soooo ready.
Or, maybe it was just the right mix of time and effort and tool. This time.
Whatever it was and whatever it is--I continue to find myself in awe of it, amazed by it, thankful for it and just plain thrilled by it.
Those feelings never go away.
It's the constant feeling of gratitude and thrill and amazement.

Sometimes, when I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror or a window--I can't believe it's really me.
Really me.
I wonder....will this deep and constant feeling of success and contentment and gratitude ever go away? (I sure hope not.....because therein, I believe....lies the secret ingredient to it all)
But, if it does go away or wain with time---will I still be able to fit into all these smaller sizes hanging in my closet?
Yes, it's one of the great mysteries of my life.....


Gen said...

Thanks Judi, this is really interesting...and I think maybe a reason I am stuck right now. The band is not my life, I don't focus on it enough I think. I hope it clicks for me. But even 50 pounds is an amazing gift, and I find myself thinking "did this really happen"?

So happy for you! It really did happen!

Jo said...

From one to another Judi - I get what your saying. My SIL and I were talking the other night (another bandster) and I said that the band has made me focus on what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, how fast I'm eating and when. It's made me eat much healthier than before (by eating slower, paying attention to what my band and brain are telling me, and eating smaller bites - something we should all do anyway). Not to mention the type of foods I eat.

It took several months to get my head in the game and luckily, my band was working while I was able to get thru the process.

Life is is great! It's nice to think that I'm NOT on a diet anymore and feel that freedom of just eating right and exercising. Thanks for putting it into words...I'm amazed, grateful and cautiously optimistic that I'll stay where I'm at. Enjoy your success girl!

Catherine55 said...

What a great post, Judi! I loved this -- and thanks for your note on my Bandiversary post -- loved your perspective! :)