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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Let's talk TURKEY!


No, no, I'm not talking turkey....as in Thanksgiving Turkey....already.
The holidays are the furthest thing from my mind right now.
Give me a few weeks.....please.....

I want to talk turkey neck.
No, not the neck of a turkey that you put in your Thanksgiving gravy to make it extra tastey!
My turkey neck.
You know....that flabby skin in between your neck and your chin that sort of wobbles when you move or talk.....
Well, let's be fair-- I just don't want to talk about my turkey neck.
Let's just talk turkey neck in general.....
Then, I'll talk about my turkey neck.
Then, I want to know about your turkey neck.....or your best friend's turkey neck.....or if you know anyone who might have a sexy turkey neck (ya never know)....

Let me start by telling you that I've long suspected that I have been afflicted by turkey neck.
But, I just kept ignoring it.
Yet, it was never too far from my mind---no matter where I went.
I spent lots of time looking for everybody else's turkey neck.
My turkey neck brethren.
In the grocery store--I was seeking out other afflicted souls.
Out to dinner and drinks with friends--I was sneaking peaks to see if they had it.
Talking to coworkers....yes....you bet....I'm copping a look.....
Sitting in the audience listening to a presentation--you guessed it--I was on a turkey neck hunt.
Watching TV......who among the stars and the politicos and the newscasters and the celebs have turkey necks?

And, what did all of that detective work uncover?
There's lots of turkey necks out there.
Especially among the thinner crowd......

Ah-ha!
SO, there is a down side to this weight loss thing.
My father was right when he said...."Judi, thinner women look older faster. Having some fat on your face is a good thing...."
I didn't believe him.
After all....what do you say to an overweight daughter with a pudgy face and a double chin?

Like I said--I had an inkling that I had turkey neck.
I sort of caught a glimpse of that wobble a few times.
I quickly told myself---no, not me.

But, the other day I could not ignore it.
There I was doing my big September housecleaning when I noticed that the mirror was loose on my antique buffet in the dining room.
So, I got my trusty tools, unlatched it from it's perch and proceeded to carry it over to the dining room table so that I could work my magic on it.
As I carried it in front of me---I looked down--and there I saw--from the most disgusting angle possible.....my turkey neck.
It was even more awful because gravity was working against me.
I was looking DOWN at myself.....ugh.....and it was even more chilling....I had NO MAKE UP ON!
Forgive me Estee Lauder....I was doing my big September cleaning.....I sinned and didn't bother to put on lip gloss....
Anyway, it was so horrific that I almost dropped the mirror right there to run out the door to get botox....
But, I love that antique buffet....I didn't want to damage it.
And, I couldn't leave the house without make-up.....PLUS a bad case of turkey neck!
In addition.....it was Sunday. What botox doctor works on Sunday?

What's a girl to do?

Gobble, gobble.....

6 comments:

Tina said...

I have it but here is something that might make you feel better-my sister who has never been fat a day in her life has it too!!! it is not weight loss turkey neck per-se...it is eh hem...older person (or getting up there) or even ...just a little older than our 20's (yeah I like that one best) Turkey neck.

xxxooo..but if you want to but together a group discount trip for some neck work count me in. Maybe at boobs next year? hehe

amandakiska said...

At least it is almost turtle neck season.

I have turkey butt and turkey ta- tas too.

workinprogress said...

I've left you an award - come and get it :-)

(¯`v´¯)
.`·.¸.·´ ♥
¸.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ .·´ ¸¸.·¨¯`·.♥

Anonymous said...

OMG...I was just talking about this! Hate,hate the turkey neck and btw the turkey arms and ass too. Gosh we work so hard to loose the weight and now this also.

xoxoxo Lucy

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

Isn't that why the fashion Gods invented turtle necks?????

Michelle said...

I agree with your father that thinner women do look older faster now I don't know if that goes for everyone but I've seen some women who lost so much weight that they looked so much older. It's crazy! But as for the turkey neck I don't have that problem BUT I do have the bat wing thing going on. Seriosuly if I ran into a bunch of bats they would probably think I was part of their family.