Tis the day before St. Patrick's Day......

and all through the house......not a creature is stirring.....not even my spouse...



Yes, that's right friends, Judiland is empty and quiet once again.
Carmen is doing his usual death-defying, until-you-drop schedule.
The kids have returned to their posts at PhDland and Collegeland---doing what they are supposed to be doing.
And, I'm working on getting used to the tempo of life without life in the house.

Everyone is doing what they do---as they should be. As I want them to do.
And, I'm here--still trying to figure out what I am supposed to be doing.
I know, I know, I am becoming a broken record....
But, don't cry for me, blog friends.


Listen, I don't want anyone thinking I have nothing at all to do.....
Trust me, I have lists and lists of things that could take up lots and lots of time and I've got obligations and commitments that can definitely suck hours out of me--24/7....(and, many times those obligations and commitments do suck it all out of me!)

I'm pretty sure my issue is more about purpose than anything else.
But I don't want to talk about that right now.

The other day, I made a decision.
As I went through the emotional angst of knowing that the kids were headed back to their own little worlds, I decided that this year is my test year. Yes, I know, a little late in declaring this year would be my test year--especially considering that summer break for Toni is only 8 weeks away and I'll be back to having at least one child home for a few months. But, nonetheless, in between my irrational fear of not having a life after full-time motherhood and my panic over not having all the laundry done before the kids had to leave.....I acknowledged that I can no longer beat myself up and torture myself because I haven't fallen into a new rhythm of life or found a new purpose for myself. And, out of pure self-kindness and self-care, I made the test year idea retroactive back to September. And, one more thing--I also laid down the law with myself--because I have been in a test year since September.....all my stops and starts were just part of the test.
So, yes...you heard it here......I am going to stop beating myself up and torturing myself because I haven't fallen into a new rhythm of life or found a new purpose for myself.
I mean--what the hell do I expect?
I was doing the full-time mom thing for 25years.....it's going to take more than a few months to figure out how not to do it!
Right?
(readers: this the part of my blog where you agree with me)

In the meantime, as I'm going through this testing phase--I thought I'd take another look at how much my life has changed because of my weight loss and make a real effort to celebrate it and embrace it...... just a wee little bit more.
I'm not talking about standing up and cheering or taking a bow or sending up fireworks because I can fit into a Size 10 or 8......
No, I'm much deeper than that.....
What I am talking about is more of an academic exercise.....
With lists and stuff like that.....
An analysis.
A reflection.
Sounds very impressive....doesn't it?
Essentially, what I am talking about is taking a long hard look at where I came from, where I've been and where I'm going and how my life is changing......not because of my age or my empty nest status or my pants size.....but because of the fact that I am no longer obese.
And, with that thought in mind--I want to make a list of things that I can now do that I could not do before and wanted to do but did not do because of my weight or how I looked or how I felt.....
Did you follow that?
And, after I figure out what those things are.....I want to do them....assuming I really do want to do them.
Figuring out if I want to do them is another part of the process, I suppose.
(holy shit....this all sounds pretty complex....this might take awhile!)

First question:
Was my weight the only thing stopping me from being a cage dancer?