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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Dear Kirstie.......


I watched your new show the other night. And, I wanted to tell you that I love your decorating style. Any chance you can tell me the color you used on your bedroom walls? And, oh, I really love your kitchen....I could definitely whip some heavenly meals in that place. OOOOH and those shoes you were tossing around when you were looking at dresses with your stylist--to die for...

Alright, enough of the small talk.....
Let me get right to the point....
Put down the cake for a moment, sweetie.
I want to tell you about my Lapband.
I promise you....this little convo won't hurt a bit.
I just have one teensy-eensy question:

Have you ever thought about getting a Lapband?

After I ooooh and aaah and jump up and down and tell you how
absolutely wonderful it is, I just want you to think about it.
No pressure here, girlfriend.

But, I'll bet my shiney new red danskos that once you hear about it, you'll want one of your very own.

Honey, I was just like you....well.... minus the mansion and the animals and the big boobs and the bigger big bank account and the stylists and the long hair and the handyman......
But, yeah, I went through all the diets---even Jenny Craig--and I lost all the weight....and gained it all back and then some....
Sure, I didn't have paparrazzi taking my pictures and taunting me with them on the covers of magazines.
But, hey--my brother-in-law took pictures of me on holidays and everyone in my family saw them.
So, yeah, I get it, girlfriend.
Obesity is no fun.
Constant dieting is no fun.
Gaining and losing and gaining and losing is no fun either.
No fun at all.

My Lapband made all the difference.
The *no fun* is over.

Being a mega star and all--I'm sure you can get a Lapband of your very own *just like that* (snapping my fingers).
And, I give you my solemn oath if do you get one, you can eat cake.
As much as you want.
As much as you want......Labbandstyle that is.......

Lots of Love,
Judi

P.S. there might be a reality show in it all
P.S.S. and just in case you need Lapbanders for your reality show--I'm your girl.....

6 comments:

Jennifer said...

Great letter!

Nicole said...

Great post!!! Love this

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

I think the way she dresses makes her look twice as heavy than she really is.
You need to get in touch with her!

Jen from Oregon said...

I was a fan of Fat Actress so I was looking forward to this show. It was funny...I will keep watching.
Great letter!

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Mancuso! Brittany, Toni, and I were laughing out loud at this. Feel free to send up those "heavenly meals" to IUP at any point in time!! I check this every day, even though I should be writing papers and studying...I love it!!! --Tori

Band Groupie said...

GREAT note! I wish she'd listen to you!!! Maybe she hasn't hit rock bottom yet, but I don't know what it would take for that to happen...those nasty pics in the papers would have had me in the fetal position. Love it!!!