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Sunday, February 15, 2009

All dogs go to heaven......

....I pray that to be true....


It's been bothering me for a few days now. I've been tossing and turning and getting hives and feeling anxious. I'm horribly sad and haunted by it all. I'm so consumed by it and so tortured by it that I'm having a hard time even typing it here. But, I have to. I killed a dog.

Yes, me. A dog killer.

It's not the way I want to think of myself. And, it's definitely not the way I want anyone else to think of me or remember me. Because I remember the name, the face, the hair and the type of car that killed my dog when I was a child. My little dog Gigi. I remember the heartbreak and the sadness of losing Gigi. And I never forgot her killer. I hated him for years and years and years and years. I never forgave him and I doubted I ever would. That was over 40 years ago.

God is a funny guy, isn't He? Now that the shoe is on the other foot--with me as the perpetrator--I have finally forgiven the guy who killed Gigi. It took this moment in time for me to lose my anger and give my forgiveness. Stunning. If I ever see him again, I'm going to tell him. I wonder if he still thinks about it. If I ever see him again, I'll have to ask him. Because I need to know--will I still feel the sting of my act 40 years from now?

A little white dog ran out on to the street where I was driving early Thursday morning. A narrow, residential street with parking on both sides. He darted out from between two cars--directly in front of me. With parked cars on both sides of me, a car in front of me and a car behind me, I had nowhere to go. I couldn't swerve and by the time I stopped, the moment was over. He was under my wheel. The little white dog. I was frozen in that long second...not knowing if I should pull forward to release him or stay stopped in place. Thankfully, the kind man behind me--seeing what had just happened--came to my rescue. He motioned for me to pull up a little further and then directed me up the road to a little parking lot. I peered into my rear view mirror and saw the little dog on the road. My heart sank. The man who had come to my rescue was guarding the dog's body and directing traffic around it. As he did that, I called 911 to ask for assistance. Getting those words out---that I hit a dog--actually hurt. So much so that they got stuck in my mouth--paralyzing me. The operator--sensing my pain--asked me to stop and collect myself before continuing. And, so I told him--a complete stranger--that I believed that I had just killed a living thing--a little white dog. Me, a 50 year old woman, could not avoid the little white dog.

I am so sorry.

8 comments:

Debbie said...

I feel your pain.

Deluzy said...

Oh man, Judi, I'm so sorry ... I have nightmares about the possibility of running into a dog, a cat, a PERSON. ((((Judi))).

Jody V said...

Oh Judi..I am so sorry. Please try to remember it was an accident. It can happen to anyone...why you I don't know. Hang in there...

Jody

Kathy said...

I know how you feel. I hit a cat once and that stayed with me for the longest time. I can't bear to hurt a living creature either (except spiders) Just remember everything happens for a reason. Maybe this was to help you forgive the man who hurt your dog. Hugs to you my friend.

Daffodil Hill said...

Forgive yourself. You didn't mean to do it. It was unavoidable. Nobody else will hold this against you. I know the sickening feeling in the pit of your stomach that comes from the innocent taking of life, but it was just that - innocent. And yes, I do believe that all dogs go to Heaven. : ) {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Irishembi said...

Yes, they do go to heaven. And I'll bet the guy that hit Gigi still remembers. When I was about 10 years old I was in the car with my Mom when we hit a dog and I've never forgotten it.

I know how you feel. It will replay in your head and stick with you a while, but just remember, you didn't mean to do it. That was just the time and manner that God decided it was time for that little white dog to go to heaven.

HUGS!

Anonymous said...

OMG Judi, I sooo know how you feel. I did the same thing but it was our family dog. A little Yorkshire terrier, my mother's love and joy, I cried for days. My family thought I had lost my mind, I was hysterical....it happened right in our driveway.

But it was an accident, not like you did it on purpose, you are not an evil person.

Jill from NY

Eileen, Founder, Organizer, Mayor and Chief Cook And Bottle Washer of the Anger Management Girls. said...

I saw a dog lay down and die once on a street corner while I was waiting at a red light. I have never forgotten it. He just had a heart attack or something. I pulled over and sobbed with the poor owner.

Too bad it wasn't a cat.Only joking,sort of. I hate cats