is that it makes way for even better things......
I just hate to keep coming back to my Lapband. But, what is this blog all about anyhow? My Lapband journey. Right? Well, I guess I do talk about a few other things. But, if it weren't for my Lapband, I wouldn't be talking at all. Right? I mean, my Lapband was what started this all in the first place. Hell yeah.
So, all this agony and wrestling I've been doing about my job is sort of making me seem like an ungrateful, cranky, whiney, diva brat. Maybe you never even figured it out that when I'm making coy innuendos about beating people up or stomping my cute shoes in some kind of mock frustration--what I am really saying is that I've hit a little rough patch at the office. And, I'm hurt. And pissed. It's not entirely unwarranted. Yet again, it's not entirely warranted. It's just a different feeling that I've never, ever, ever felt in the 28 years that I've been doing my big girl job. So, I'm trying to figure it out. I'm trying to separate out the good and the bad and the real and the imagined. Plus, I'm trying to understand what's going on around me. Oh sure, I can tell you story after story...with my own editorial spin, of course. And, I can give you blow by blows on who said what, who did what, what it probably meant and how it made me feel. And, of course, I could share transcripts of real discussions that have taken place and copies of real emails that have been written. But, that wouldn't even begin to tell you what's going on inside of me. And, to be quite honest--I don't even know what's going on inside me. You see, I still care a lot about what I do, how I do it and why I do it. And, I have these very special, wonderful people who I care about and owe quite a bit to. And that's not all. It's much more than that.
I'm in a very rare place in Judi land. What once was is no more. And, I have this fear that soon the "what once was" will begin to unravel and show it's ugly truths. That is something I do not know if I can bare. But, I will. I've come this far. And, it hasn't been an easy trek...lately. The ugly truths may be the only thing that will set me free from the struggle and the fight I wake up with each morning and go to sleep with each night. The unraveling of the past may be the only thing that lets me stop the madness and allows me to get on with what's really important--the here and now.
So, what does this have to do with my Lapband? It's like this--if it weren't for the fact that I was obese, I wouldn't have my Lapband. Being obese is not a good thing. And, to be honest--even though I just love my Lapband--having surgery to get it and going through everything it took to get it and all the other stuff--well...not things I would call fun. But, I had to do it. And, now I'm here. 80 pound lighter. No longer in need of meds to control every aspect of my physiology. Wearing high heels. Crossing my legs. Doing all the things I couldn't do for so long. Not only that. I feel good. I feel successful and triumphant and just plain wonderful. It all started because I was obese. If that tells me anything, it tells me that sometimes you have to feel the pain and walk through the fire before you can really come out the other end. In other words, maybe there is no free lunch.
Ugh...it always comes back to food....doesn't it?