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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Am I crazy or what?

Posting those gawdawful pictures of myself yesterday!

Yes, there's got to be a morning after.
Today is that morning.
I'm looking at those pictures that I posted on my blog yesterday and I'm seriously wondering if I did that in my sleep.
What the hell was I thinking?
Who--in their right mind--would actually put some of those pictures out on the internet for all of the world to see?
Evidently me.

Now that they are all out there.....
I'm not sure how go forward from here.....after my moment of full disclosure.
Thank God there were no nude pix!!!
Was I extraordinarily brave yesterday or what?
Or....was it that I just didn't give a rat's ass?
Oh my!

In as much as my intent yesterday morning was more in an upbeat reflective mode, today I am overcome by many emotions starring at those pictures.
I'm almost stumped as to what to say next.
Where can I go on this blog without writing a little bit more about those pictures?
Part of me wants to apologize to you for the assault on your eyes, another part of me wants to delete the whole thing and just pretend that post never happened yet another part of me wants to get all high and mighty and full of myself and say---"Looky here, friends.....if I can go from that girl to this girl....there's hope for everyone!"
I can't believe the woman in those pictures was me.
Because really....I gotta tell you something here.....I am one of those people who care deeply about how I look.
I always have been. This is nothing new.
I always, always plan every detail of my outfits, I pose and primp in front of mirrors, I always wear make up and I never, ever leave the house looking like total shit.
It's like a religion with me.
Take my pen and my paper but never, ever take my eyeliner and my lip gloss.
Call me vain, call me materialistic and full of myself but I never thought you could call me unfashionably unattractive.
But, today, I'm rethinking that whole vision I had of myself during my dark years (from the age of 41-48 when my weight spiraled completely out of control).
Looking at those pictures has me wondering if all those diet drugs I took and all those diets I was on and all those non fat foods I ate somehow messed with my head.
Because that girl in those pictures was not the girl who lived in my head.
The girl I am today is the girl who lived in my head.
It took awhile but I have finally arrived, I've met her and I've lived with her and I've seen pictures of her.....and I like her.
Which puts me in a good place.....today.
I'm not sure what possessed me to find every lousy picture taken of me over a period of 7 years and post them on my blog.
But, I'm not going to delete them.
I'm going to own them....cringing just a little....
Because I am going to put myself in the shoes of that girl in those gawdawful pictures and embrace the fact that it's all part of the journey.

My Stories from the Road.
Real and unedited.

4 comments:

blither blather said...

thanks for having the courage to post your journey for others to witness! that's what these blogs are all about...it's not easy to live out loud for others to see- warts an all! rock on!

Kathy said...

Thank you for being brave enough to show us all your journey in pictures. You are truly a success story for the LapBand. Hopefully the rest of us who are still on that weight loss road will be able to post theirs soon too.

Theresa aka Tessie Rose said...

I feel the same way when I look at old pictures, like...how could I not know just how bad I looked!

Lee Ann said...

I am THANKFUL for those pictures because it shows what is possible. You do look very pretty in them (and fashionable), I have to say. You're just heavier, that's all. But I know what you mean---it wouldn't be easy for me to post those kinda pics either because
1) I'm vain
2) once I'm skinny I will want to forget that I was ever this big
3) a part of me will want to pretend (to the www, facebook, etc) that 220 never happened.

I guess 2 & 3 are almost the same thing. Oh well.

But I'm glad you had the courage to do it.