The gift that keeps on giving......

Fair warning....I'm going to get a wee bit Hallmarky here. I'm just in one of those moods. Maybe it's all that warm and fuzzy holiday spirit that's been going around. Or, maybe it's all part of my end of the year reflection. Or, perhaps it has something to do with me and my 1/2 century thing (you know...because I'm turning 50 in 27 days...). Whatever it is--it's where my head and my heart are at the moment. I'm feeling very reflective and kinda sappy. So, pardon me while I nauseate you with my good will....

I've said it a million times---getting this lapband was the best thing I ever did. And, I mean it. With all of my heart and soul. It's not like I never did anything good or meaningful in my life. Because I have. Lots of things. But, mostly, those things happened to me. Or, they were just all part of the natural order of things--going to school, getting married, having kids,etc. But, my Lapband--I did it for me. Me. Me. Me. Yes, I'm sure you could say that by doing this for ME--my loved ones also reaped the benefits of it. But---honestly--if you want to hear the truth--I did it for me. And, in return--I got more than I bargained for. Much, much more.

This holiday season opened my eyes even further to the joy of my Lapband. My beloved lapband helped me shop, cook, entertain, be with friends and family, go to parties and make merry with more ease and happiness than ever before. Being 80+ pounds thinner was the key to still being able to stand by the end of Christmas Day. It was the thing that got me through malls and grocery stores with enough energy left over to unpack the car then cook and wrap. It was the key to feeling the joy (and not the embarrassment) of running into old friends and cousins and colleagues. And, it slapped a real smile on my face each time I got dressed and looked in the mirror...

You've probably heard the saying--nothing tastes as good as thin feels. Right? It's a dieter's mantra. They are the magic words that are supposed to help you push away that extra helping of pasta or refuse to eat the beautiful chocolates that are sitting in front of you. Clearly, they didn't work for me. As much as I can attest to the fact that truer words have never been spoken--I can also tell you that food had more power over me than my own belief system. Yes, I was positive being thin would be better than a huge plate of pasta dripping in velvety sauce smothered with top quality Romano cheese. And, I definitely understood that my health was much more important than nachos. But, tell that to my taste buds. And my eyes. And my appetite. They were not cooperative. They were stubborn as all hell. They were downright defiant. Until they met their match--my Lapband.

You see, I never really realized how wonderful it is to not be fat. There I said it. I admitted it. I was fat and I hated it. But, I learned to live with it. All those years of making myself believe that my beauty had nothing to do with how I looked or how much I weighed--rubbish. All those self-talks about accepting myself for the person I am--hogwash. Because right now--at this very minute--I can tell you that my self-worth and my self-acceptance are and always have been and always will be--intricately connected to the image in the mirror. Call me a vain self-absorbed bitch if you want. I am who I am (well, I'm really not a self-absorbed bitch..). Thankfully, I'm no longer a fat version of who I am. And, that feels good and wonderful and sweet and amazing and downright fabulous. Because fat Judi was not half as happy as the Judi who sits here on December 27, 2008. I just didn't really know it. Oh, yeah, I suspected it. I avoided knowing it. Denial perhaps. Ignorance perhaps. Let's face it--I still have all the good things I always had. My family, my friends, my life... But, I also have the one thing that makes it all better....my Lapband. The gift I gave myself that has never stopped giving...