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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

MY JOURNEY FROM THE COUCH......

" Have you ever sank down into your couch and felt as if nothing in the world is going right for you? Or have you sat at your desk, drowning under the weight of work? Situations like this call for action, and by this, I really do mean action. Instead of reaching for the bar of chocolate or the bottle of wine, think about putting your training shoes on and going for a brisk walk or a jog. It will clear your head and help you get a new perspective on life."
(Josh Clark, inventor of Couch to 5K)

 YES!! to all of the above......




 I have been harboring a few secrets here in Judiland.
But, let me start at the beginning.......you've got time, right?  
{First, I must caution you......the beginning of my little confession starts out a tad depressing but stay with the story and you will see how the less-than-perfect things were actually the turning point to where my journey is going ....}


One by one, my kids told me I had to get a LIFE. 

Gee, I thought I had a life.  
As it turns out......I did have a life.....it was THEM and their father.
Evidently, my kids were feeling a bit guilty about that.

At first, I really didn't get it.
Then, one day as my daughter was leaving the house to meet up with some friends....she looked at me and said "Mom, will you be alright if I go?"
Of course, I would be alright, I told her.....I'm a 55 year old woman, you are a 23 year old young woman......GO!...that's what you are supposed to do...
But, she hesitated at the door and said "I hate to leave you alone so much....
I shooed her off with a laugh and then tried to fluff off the comment...convincing myself that I have lots of things to do to keep me busy.  Even though the things that I had to keep me busy really weren't things of substance.  I really wasn't feeling doing the laundry, cleaning out closets or washing down walls.  Maybe that would suffice for another girl but not me. It's just not enough for me.  And, the fact that it isn't enough for me has always made me feel guilty.  So, I took to the kitchen and cooked and cooked....food that I had no idea who would eat.  As you know by now....cooking is something that I do when I need to unwind or to de-stress or  to feel worthy or to just fill the time.   
But, if you really want to know the truth--when I cook, I am always thinking abut feeding people.....

A few days later, my son told me that something came up and that he couldn't make it into town.
As a result--we couldn't do what we had been planning to do that coming weekend.
Naturally, I was sad.  I was so looking forward to his visit.  I had been cooking for days....
He happened to call me as I was waiting on my workaholic husband to come home.
My children know I do that a lot....
And, my voice must have sounded as sad as I was...prompting him to say in an exasperated tone-- "go out and do something MOM! Don't sit there and wait!! You have to find things to do besides wait for dad to come home or wait for me to come home or wait for Toni to come home."
Taken back, I told him that I do a lot of things......don't I?
I take care of my father, I go out with girl friends, I cook, I entertain, I shop, I get massages, I go out to dinner, I go to work.....
 I mean, I am always busy.....right?
Yes, of course, I have a full life.
A busy life.
A busy life is a full life....right?   

I am not so sure.....

The funny thing about all of this is that I have known for a long time that I spend the majority of my time on obligations and on  making other people's lives better.   
And, for the most part, I'm okay with those things.  It's what I know.... 
It never occurred to me that it might be an issue.
You see....I spend a lot of my time wanting to do other things but feeling trapped at times by my obligations and living by other people's schedules..... many times-- I wait for them to have time for ME or I wait for them to see what they need from me.....
Sounds like I'm Ms. Unselfish....aren't I????
Would a truly unselfish person be resentful?
No.
Thus, I was becoming the type of person I hate the most.....A MARTYR.  
SO....
  • What if I wasn't there with dinner made when my husband got home 3 hours late?
  • What if my son wanted to come visit on a weekend that was inconvenient for me?
  • What if my husband wants to do some business entertaining and I can't fit it in?
  • What if my daughter did come home and want to eat and I didn't make dinner?  
  • What if my sisters needed someone to stay with my father and I wasn't available?
  • What if my in-laws planned a dinner without asking me my schedule and I had something else to do?
  • What if I had plans and all of a sudden my husband decided he wanted me to do something with him and I said "I'm busy"....?
  • And, what if my husband is too tired to go somewhere that I really want to go?
What if I actually had something I enjoy doing--that was JUST MINE---something that makes me feel good and that somehow changes my life?  
That was the question that was gnawing at me for months.
The question that I pondered as I sat in traffic, as I sat on the couch, as I struggled to sleep at night.  
That question gnawed at me as I did all the same things that I always did...everyday!  
As I got more in touch with how I was really feeling....I realized that there were times when I felt resentful and under appreciated and to be honest---downright stupid.  
Why was I doing all of these things when I was feeling this way?   
It was a hard question to answer.  
Was I angry?  
I wasn't sure.  
What I did know that I didn't want to just stop making dinner or being available just to make a point.  
I wanted to make some permanent changes that would enhance my life---in more ways than just giving me something to do.  
And, to be honest--I was so over being doing everything for everyone  and feeling like I was being taken advantage of.
I made me take stalk of myself and own my role in all of it.  
It wasn't a good feeling.  It made me come face-to-face with how I allowed this to happen to me.
And, it was a good reminder that I am the only one in charge of my journey.  
I needed to make the changes.... NOW. 
Let's be honest--I didn't really want to tell anyone how I was feeling because I feared that it would either make me seem selfish for thinking of myself or make me seem like a doormat for doing all of that for all of these years....
I felt very alone in my quandary.  I was unsure and unsteady in how I wanted to go forward.  
I knew that I didn't want to just do a complete 360 just because I was feeling this way.  
I wanted whatever changes I made and how I decided to enhance my life or spend my time to matter.
I didn't want to just disappear to a Walmart parking lot just to prove that I should be appreciated for all I do.  And, the funny thing was....as much as I felt under appreciated....I wasn't looking to be appreciated.  I was actually looking to find something for ME....something that was MINE. 
But, I just didn't know what it could be.
So, I gnawed on the question some more....

So....what did I decide to do?  
That's what we are going to talk about......as my journey continues....

C25K














  



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1 comment:

Tracey Delaplain said...

I love this post. Sometimes when I ask my family if they really give a hoot about ..dinner being ready, planning for their visits, and etc etc They say that they really don't care one way or the other. I've even heard from my kids say, "don't plan anything Mom, let's just play it by ear." Perhaps our own expectations for ourselves as mothers, mates, and lovers are too high. So go forth and "Run Judi Run"