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Friday, June 8, 2012

The truth hurts......

THE DRESS didn't fit.

Well, it fit..... I could get it on.
And, it zipped without too much wiggling. 

But, once it was on and cried out for SPANX!
Now, lest anyone thinks I am anti-SPANX......let me set the record straight.
But, sweeties, this dress was a  dress that easily glided over my body just 10 months ago.
Not even my newly airbrushed bronzed body helped.  
So, there I was--faced with a conundrum---
Do I succumb to the higher power of SPANX and go on my way?
Do I throw that damn dress on the floor and then fling myself on the bed in a drama-ridden hissy fit?

Well, after the hissy fit and a few head-bangings on the headboard.....
I chose another dress.

I have to confess that I'm not proud of my behavior.
I mean.....I had years of throwing myself on the bed in frustration over something not fitting.
I was sure those days were over.
And, just when I got a little too comfortable with never having to stress over wardrobe misfortunes again---it happened.  
Once again, I found myself laying in a heap on my bed spiraling into my fat girl behavior. 
It was not a good feeling. 
And, it set the tone for the rest of the day. 
All day long.
Finally, when I hit evening rush hour traffic and I had a bit of time to reflect on the punishment I handed myself  for the past 12 hours, I began to think a little more rationally.
First of all---the fact that I've gained a few pounds is no secret.
They were pounds that I deserved---late night cookie raids, a little too much mindless eating, too many chips, chocolate treats in the middle of the day and overdoing it on the band friendly foods.
However, the good news is that I have managed to knock off a few of those visiting pounds over the past few weeks by returning to my Lapband lifestyle.  Granted, I have not been 100% perfect but I never set out to be perfect nor do I believe---in my heart of hearts--that I want to be.  Perfection is not my style. 
Secondly, the fact that this weight has went directly to my weak-spot---my belly---should be no surprise to me.  My stomach has always been the depository for my weight.   I come by it very honestly--my dad and my paternal grandmother gave me that gift at birth.   Some people get their mother's thighs or their grandfather's bubble but.  I got the belly. 
And, thirdly---did I somehow forget that I'm 53?
From what I hear--midsection rolls and belly flab are the curse of my age. 
As I sat in traffic and pondered these realities--it occurred to me that even though throwing myself on my bed and banging my head on the headboard and beating myself up over a dress not fitting all day were definitely throw-back-fat-girl behaviors, I was not anywhere near the girl that I was a mere 5 years ago. 
First of all--- the dress did zip.  I just didn't like the way it looked.  And, I was able to go to my closet and pull out another dress that fit just fine.
5 years ago---I would have tried on another 10 dresses--with none of them fitting me. By not fitting me--I mean that the zipper would have NOT went up. I would have had to wrap myself in some black stretchy fashion disgrace in order to get out of the door. 
And, last but not least---today I have my Lapband.
 I know what it's like to feel empowered by it and to feel good about how I look and  I know what it feels like not to let food and diets rule my life. 
Five years ago, I didn't feel any of that.
Five years ago, 10 dresses didn't fit---and even if they did--I would not have been happy with how they looked!
Five years ago, I had over 100 pounds to lose.
Yes, five years ago, I was FIVE years younger.
But,  since I can't stop the clock from ticking, I might as well make the most of the ticking.

Let's face it---the truth of the matter is--the dress did fit.
My standards are just a little higher these days. 
I'm five years older and 100+ pounds lighter......I expect more. 

The truth is hurting less.  

Happy Friday!
It's ROAD TRIP TIME! I come!
We'll chat again on Monday!


Chris said...

And the dress will fit again. To your (high and stylin') standards!

Congratulations to the new PhD! That pinging sound must be your buttons bursting - NOT from a bad fit, but from a momma's pride!!

CeeJay said...

Don't beat yourself up too badly, you know you have work to do and you owned up to that. Just gotta keep your eye onthe big picture. Hang in there!