Let Us Eat Cake!

Just a bit out of sorts today..........

Maybe it's the whole holiday thing or maybe I'm still reeling from the whole cookie eating episode. But, I have not been able to shake this out of sorts feeling today. It's like I have a mood flu. I just feel....well.....out of sorts. Out-of-sortsy. My body and my mind and my head and my heart and my legs and my arms and my hair and my fingernails and my eye lids and my thoughts and even my shoes just don't feel right. It's like I want to wiggle and squirm to make it all fit together and work. But I don't even have any wiggle or squirm in me. I've just got alot of BLAH. BLAH. BLAH. And more blah. Like I said....a mood flu.
Most of us go through life thinking "if only I could FILL IN THE BLANK, things would be so much better." For me, one of those fill in the blanks was---loose weight. For years, I imagined that if only I could loose weight, my entire world would be bright and sunny and disgustingly happy. Well, here I am---I'm loosing weight. Yep, I am. I AM LOOSING WEIGHT.....HELLO......I AM LOOSING WEIGHT HERE! Can we start the bright, sunny and disgustingly happy stuff now?

Death by Cookies.........

Chocolate Chips. Chocolate Kiss Cookies. Chocolate Biscotti. Honestly, if I was going to choose a way to die, it would not be by way of cookies. Pasta, crab, eggplant, wine or gin---definitely. Cookies--not a chance. So, how is it that last night I found myself delirious--on the verge of being comatose, wracked with pain and shaking with chills following a cookie eating episode? Cookies? If I was going to overindulge in anything at all---why would I choose cookies? Okay, okay.....I can understand the biscotti. My sister and brother-in-law bake a top notch biscotti. But---the chocolate chips and chocolate kiss cookies that I had a hand in baking? I can't think of a good reason to eat more than one of those in a season! But, there I was......eating cookies. Cookies, of all things. One cookie. Two cookies. Ten cookies. Twenty cookies. I have no idea how many. I just ate them. Shoved them in my mouth. Pushed them down my throat. Yes, I attacked my lapband.....with cookies. I mean, I made it all the way to December 26 treating my lapband with the love and care it so rightfully deserves. I got through parties and happy hours and cocktail parties and dinners and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. And, then, bang----cookies. Sidelined by cookies. Shoved on the couch at 7 pm by cookies. Stabbed through the chest, punched in the stomach, banged over the head, and completely overtaken by---yes.....COOKIES. And, this morning? Hungover. A cookie hangover. Everything hurts. Sweating. Chilled. Done in by cookies. Of all things......COOKIES.

December 26-ing in 2007.........

We have this tradition.......on December 26, amid all the Santa loot that is strewn about the living room, we lay around in our pajamas, eat non -Christmas foods (like take out hamburgers, french fries and pizza), much on popcorn, play a game and watch movies. It's one of those traditions that I probably instituted many years ago to disguise the fact that I was completely exhausted, I didn't feel like cleaning up the house, I did not want to cook, none of my clothes fit me and I needed to keep my family entertained. So, my guess is that one December 26 led to another December 26 and then all of a sudden....there you go, a justifiable excuse emerged. I do not clean up, I do not get dressed, and I do not cook. Just like turkey at Thanksgiving, it's a tradition. As time went on, I've embellished the tradition (I'm an embellisher from waaaay back). For instance, everyone gets new pajamas just for December 26, I buy a new game (this year it's "Scene It-Music Edition") and I stock pile a few movies for everyone to pick from. Quite honestly, the tradition has served me well over the years. I expect that this year will be no different. Now that the kids are older and busier, the idea of having them spend an entire day with us is wonderful. And, after all the shopping and wrapping and cooking and cleaning and merry making.....well.....I am ready for a little bit of doing nothing. Plus, a day like this is just plain rare. If I could turn off all the phones and beepers and computers, that would take the day up another notch. But, I'll settle for crossing my fingers that no one will call, there will be no emergencies that need to be dealt with and that the competition of the game, the intensity of the movies and the laziness that wearing pajamas promotes will keep everyone away from the lure of text messaging, emailing, IMing and all other forms of communicating with the outside world. For today....it's all about our little world---inside our walls, with all the contents of a bountiful Christmas laying about---where a big bag filled with wrappings and bows decorates the living room, a pile of cleaned (but yet to be put away) Christmas dishes dresses up the dining room table and baskets and platters filled with cookies and treats from friends and family adorn the kitchen counter. Yes, the house is sufficiently a mess, I have my new leopard print jammies on, I have not planned one meal, I have take out menus within easy reach and my body and my mind are weary. I'm ready...........

I believe..........

In the journey............

Tis the Day Before Christmas..........

and all through the house......sweet carols are playing.......Judi is stirring and baking and cooking and wrapping and making merry........serving it all up in Santa-style......
Ah, yes, it's Christmas once more......

We interupt the pre-Christmas frenzy.........

A little misbehavin' in Lapband Land? Well, I can't be good all the time.....with all the shopping and cooking and wrapping and being merry, a girl has gotta snag a little fun!


HELLLLLLLLO SANTA!

WELCOME TO BANDLAND!

This whole internet thing had to be invented just for me. For starters---it's helped me to keep in touch with old and dear friends on a regular basis, it's given me a blank page to write as much or as little as I want, it keeps me in touch with my kids throughout the day and oh yeah---it's here 24-7. Which means----so are my friends. And, so are the many things and ideas and people who inspire me. And, so are my blank pages...waiting for me to bring them to life. With a push of a button, the flicker of a screen and a tap on a keyboard--I am out in the universe. A universe that is as far away as Australia and as close as my own backyard. So, whoever invented the internet for me---THANK YOU! I'm not sure if the techno genius who invented the internet had any inkling at all that he/she would be creating a world with no boundaries, no limits and no distance. And, I highly doubt that this techno genius even considered the idea that his/her invention would play a part in human relationships. No, I'm quite sure this techno genius just needed to get something done or solve a problem and that's how it all started. That's how those techno geniuses are. He/she would have never thought that there would be a 48 year old woman (wearing the spunkiest little slippers) sitting in a tiny room off of her kitchen in a little suburban hamlet of Pennsylvania using his/her invention to hold the hand of a friend who is joining Bandland today. And, I'm sure that this techno genius would have never guessed that his/her invention would be the one thing that started a friendship, encouraged a person to change her life and helped two people draw hope and motivation from each other. But, that's what happened. Right here---in my life. Let me tell you about it.

Many months ago, as I was doing some research on Lapband surgery, I stumbled upon an online forum dedicated to Lapbanders. It was there that I first met Sandy. She happened to be from the same part of Pennsylvania and had also selected the same surgery group that I was researching. Over the next few months, we touched base every so often as we went through the long and harrowing process of the pre-lapband requirements. Unfortunately, Sandy got stuck in some requirement red tape along the way--postponing her surgery for quite some time---while I went on to have my surgery. During this time, Sandy soldiered on---frustrated, apprehensive and just a little bit disgusted. Finally, after many months of perseverance, her surgery date was scheduled. That is when she emailed me---"can we meet?". And, so, we arranged to get together the week after Thanksgiving at a little cafe somewhere between our two homes. Now, I have to tell you that I had no idea what Sandy looked like. The only clue I even had was that she was having lapband surgery. So, I figured she was....well.....you know.....overweight. So, that night, when I arrived at the cafe, it was a bit crowded. I looked around the room and scouted out possible Sandy candidates and then casually walked by them and said "Sandy?" to see if they would respond. Anyway, after my third try, I figured I'd just stand by the door and wait for someone to say something to me. But, you know---she didn't have to. The minute I saw Sandy---I knew it was her. We immediately hugged as if we were long lost friends. And, then she handed me a bag---in it was a frame that said "BELIEVE". I was so touched. That is when she told me that I.....yes me and my blog.....were her inspiration and motivation. Imagine? Me and my blog inspired this lovely, sweet and beautiful woman. Sandy may think that I have given her something. But, it is she who gave the most beautiful gift of all to me. My friend Sandy is having Lapband surgery today. My heart is full.

Party Update.......

No one said a word. Nope, not one word. I wore a lovely 2 piece black velvet ensemble (flowing "gouchos" with a portrait collared bollero swing jacket) , a lacey champagne colored tank, a pair of shiney black patent pumps and some very outstanding jewelry. But, no one said a word. Perhaps if they would have seen my very sweet and wonderfully sassy undergarments then they may have uttered at least a little sound. But, they said nothing. Nada. Zippo. What's a girl gotta do to get a little attention in a room of 300 Engineers? I mean, I am getting *THIS* close to loosing the equivalence of an Elephant's penis (60 lbs)..........


Well, that's all I have to say about that........!

My vanity is showing.........

My husband's Christmas party is Friday night. And, I'm not sure if anyone....or everyone....knows that I had weight loss surgery. You're probably thinking "why don't you just ask your husband..."? Well, I already did that. His answer? "I think I told Mark and maybe Barb...". Mark is his boss. Barb is his Administrative Assistant. "Well, did you tell them or not?" I pushed. "I don't know, maybe," he told me. "You can't remember or you don't want to admit to telling them?" I continued to quiz him. (For the record--I never asked him NOT to tell anyone) "Can't remember. My mind is shot, I'm so busy," he said--trying to get out of it by using his standard 'I'm busy' line. So, as you can see---asking my husband is of no use. Now, there are several reasons why I am curious if he told anyone. My thinking is that if he did tell at least 1 person then that means that many more know. It's just one of the things that people talk about. It's not exactly water cooler talk but it's definitely good gossip..."did you hear that his wife had weight loss surgery?" ( I would be guilty of that myself) I mean, I'm sure it wasn't the topic of conversation for days on end! But, sure, if the info is out there then I expect it was mentioned....if he told anyone (which he doesn't remember!) Maybe my husband's office is as he says it is----so busy that they don't have the time or interest in personal stuff. Or, perhaps they are just such higher beings that they do not resort to conversations about anything less than structural stability. Who knows! But, still......! Practically speaking, it's just nice to know who knows what about me. And, of course, I don't want to wonder why the woman across the table from me is starring at me while I eat.
Okay..... here's the real deal---if they do know, they will probably expect me to look "thin". And, although I do look "thinner", I am by no means "thin". Will they expect me to be suddenly "thin"? And, since I'm not "thin", will the way I look be a let down for them? Which, in turn, would cause them not to comment on my weight loss because they don't think I really lost that much? Or, if they do know, maybe they won't say anything because it feels weird or uncomfortable. Or, let's just say they don't know.....will anyone say anything at all to me just about the fact that I lost weight? Or, maybe no one cares! Geez....do I sound like a lunatic or what? Yes, I do. I admit it. It's just that I'm at the point in my journey where I need to hear compliments on my success. Yes, that's right--I need attention. At home, no one really says much. So, I have to "go out" for it!!! Maybe I should just have them announce me at the door "Judi, being escorted by Carmen. She had weight loss surgery in August." What do you think? That would only work if I looked good. AHHHHHHHHH.........

So, what got me to thinking about this so much tonight? Well, because I'm in a fashion crisis. As I've already noted, I practically have a clothing store in my attic filled with things that I "grew out of". So, I trudged up there and picked out several dressy pieces with the hope that I'd find at least a few things that might work for this rather formal event. I figured I'd go out and treat myself to some extra nice accessories instead of having to buy an entire outfit. As I threw them all on my bed, I realized---I have a lot of BLACK! And, trust me, none of these things can be categorized as "a little black dress". I'm sure that's not unusual---- most people who have struggled with their weight and body image for years have a lot of black clothes. So, there I was----trying things on, looking in the mirror, looking at myself from each angle, taking them off, throwing them back on the bed and feeling completely miserable. A mountain of lovely clothes on my bed and nothing to wear. So, what's my problem? Oh, you know what it is......I have no idea if anyone....or everyone..... knows that I had weight loss surgery.

Yes, there is a Santa Claus.....but he is obese and he smokes.....

SAVE SANTA CLAUS!!

We all heard the story. In fact, we know the words by heart. But, have you ever thought about the following verses that appear about 3/4 of the way through the poem......????

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;

He had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf.........

No wonder Santa has an image problem and is loosing believers. An overweight man who smokes is not exactly an endearing visual. This year, I encourage everyone who reads my blog to send a letter to Santa imploring him to consider revamping his lifestyle. First of all, he needs to stop his legendary all night smoking and cookie binges. His health is at stake here. Diabetes. High blood pressure. High cholesterol. Cancer. To name a few!!! He is hardly a role model for today's youth. Maybe it's just a matter of replacing the cookies with higher protein, leaner snacks. We can definitely help with that by not making it available---stop the cookies and milk routine!!!! But, perhaps it's more than that. He may be like the millions of people.....just like myself.....who are obese and who could be helped by weight loss surgery. He needs to talk to his doctor to find out what is best for him.

Trust me, there's no better way to tell someone you love them and want them to be around for a very long time than to help them become a healthier, happier person. Obesity is a hard and difficult illness. And, it is only getting worse. Statistics are scarey---childhood obesity is on the rise. People are dying needlessly everyday from the effects of obesity. Today, a dear friend shared a story with me about how her sister died from breast cancer because she was so obese that her doctor would not treat her. My own beautiful, beloved mother, a woman who fought obesity all of her life, died at a young age, from trying to win to the battle. It's an epidemic. There are many more stories out there about people who could have benefited from stopping the wicked cycle of obesity but never had the power or the motivation to do it. We see it every day. There are even reality shows based on it. Being obese is not only unhealthy---it's no fun at all. The medical community is working hard to help those of us who suffer from it. But, we can't do it alone. It has to start with awareness. We don't need ridicule or further punishment. We need support and help and encouragement. So, let's start with Santa Claus. It might be the first step to waking up the world to the life altering and life threatening dangers of obesity. Let's face it---no one wants to loose Santa Claus! Who will give us gifts? Let's make every morning as happy as Christmas morning. ...for everyone we love. Send your Santa letters today!!!!

We love you Santa Claus!

Inside my snowglobe.....where dreams come true.....

Christmas shopping at a handful of little stores---oohing and aahing over shoes and boots and sweaters and funky jewelry. Laughing over lunch at one of our fav places. Picking up chai lattes to fuel up for a little more retail therapy at the mall. My daughter and I. It's what my dreams are made of. And, it's come true. Want to hear another? Not having to shop exclusively in "woman's stores". It's happened---I'm allowed in normal stores now. Well, it's not the same kind of dream-come-true as spending the day with my daughter. But, still, it feels nice and makes me smile. Plus, it enhances the whole shopping with my daughter experience. Anyway, it's a surprise dream-come-true since I never knew I had the dream to begin with. I like the fact that my daughter and I can both walk into the same store and both be able to buy something. No, no.....I'm not buying belly shirts and low slung jeans (but, gosh, wouldn't it be just a little bit fun if I could?) at the same places my daughter shops. It's just that I've entered the world of XL and most stores sell XL. But, only women's stores sell XXXL. Anyway, as Toni and I inched closer to Lane Bryant during our lovely mom-daughter shopping day, I could see her happy demeanor fade (she does not like that store)---"want to stop there?" she asked. "Nope" I answered. "Oh....." she uttered, her smile returning. "I'm looking for Christopher and Banks. I wonder if they have one here," I said, thinking about a cute holiday sweater that I saw that might be nice for my office party this coming week. As we walked in, I let out one of those "I've arrived" sighs as I breathed in my surroundings. This was a place where I could only peer in the windows. And, now, there I was---inside. I felt oh so triumphant. Lingering at a display of pretty sweaters, I imagined myself wearing the pretty red Santa one as I did pirouettes around the store. Snow softly fell. Bing Crosby sang "White Christmas". Shoppers, applauded as I gracefully twirled by them in my XL Santa sweater. "Is this your first time in here?" my daughter asked---nudging me out of my snow globe. "Yes, it is."
Dreams are a funny thing. Sometimes you don't know you have them until you find yourself experiencing one of them come true---like my foray into the non-plus size store world. But, I always dreamed of that sweet little moment shared between a mother and a daughter Christmas shopping.....both of them carrying packages and smiling. Many years ago, I was the daughter in that dream. Now, I am the mother. The same dream. And, it's come true. Christmas shopping. Mothers. Daughters. Size XL. I'm blessed.

Decking the Halls.....Judi style......

Christmas decorating at my house is not for wimps. It's a backbreaking, massive undertaking. It takes an entire day to drag everything out of storage. It takes a full weekend to set up the large Christmas tree in the entry way and then it takes about 2 weeks to finish the rest of the house. At the moment, I'm in the final stages. I have to finish the china and crystal cabinets, the bathrooms, the upstairs hallway and the outdoor decorations. Then, I have to clean up. Like I said---not for wimps.
I spent the better part today and tonight decorating. At one point, I found myself so frustrated by the amount of work and the mess I was creating that I yelled out "why can't I be a normal person and just put up a tree and a wreath?" No one was there to answer me. Except for me. And, I already knew the answer. Because I am me.

Here's a peek at ME....

And, my Lapband will help ME be ME for a very long time........
Happy Decorating!

I am a SCALE WHORE........

You heard it here friends. And, the only way to begin my recovery is to tell my story......

I always imagined that on the day that the scale said that I lost 50 pounds, church bells would ring, cannons would go off, fireworks would shoot into the sky, bartenders would buy rounds, dancing would erupt in the streets, choirs would sing, and I.....well.....I would kiss the scale. And, not just a little peck. I'm talking a long, hard kiss. Damn, I figured I'd be kissing that scale for at least 5 minutes! But, that's not exactly what happened. You know how it is---- fantasy life can be so much more exciting and passionate than real life. When the reality of that hits, it can lead us down some very dark and murky paths. That's what happened to me. When I could not get the thrill that I craved from one scale, I went out looking for others that could satisfy me. It was trouble with a capital "T".

You see, after my surgery, I started this ritual of weighing myself on Tuesday mornings. Not sure why I picked that particular day but it worked out at the time so I went with it. Since I didn't want to obsess over the numbers on the scale, I needed a routine to keep me from weighing myself every 12 hours (which I would have done!). Anyway, as time went on, there were a few Tuesdays in a row when I was not too happy with what the scale had to say. My Tuesdays are rough enough without having to deal with scale misery. Soon, I could not bear those Tuesday morning weigh- ins. You see, there's this meeting that I have to go every Tuesday morning. It ain't a pretty meeting. Here, let me try to put it in perspective without giving you the blood draining details---when I leave my office to go to this particular meeting, my teammates wish me good luck, give me a blessing and promise to call 911 if I am not back in 2 hours. So, you can imagine why I would not want to get bad news at the scale and then have to deal with the maze of gauntlets and land mines at that meeting---all within the same 24 hours. So.......I sort of got out of my Tuesday morning weigh-in habit. I became loose----I started weighing myself without a schedule. This past week, as I inched closer and closer to the 50 lb mark, I began to obsess about the number on the scale. So, there I was.....weighing myself at least 2 times a day.....once at home on my fancy digital scale and then once at the gym on their "slider" scale. It felt like those scales were in different "weight zones" (like time zones)! In the morning, I'd be THIS close to 50 lbs gone. At night, not so. Then, the next day I'd be THAT close. At night, nope. Next day---THIS close again. At night---no way! Which scale could I trust?? Maddening. Anyway, late last week when I did my morning weigh in, my fancy digital scale finally said it---50 lbs were gone. Of course, I didn't believe it. That scale could not be trusted. That night when I weighed myself at the gym---my instincts paid off....I had not really lost 50 lbs. This went on for several days. I had no idea when I could finally feel safe saying that I lost 50 lbs. In my mania, I knew I had to find another scale before I could commit. But, that wasn't enough---I had to find another. And, then, another. Yes, I was becoming a scale whore. Hopping off one scale then going in search of another. Then another. And another. Never quenched. Never trusting. I never even looked at their faces. Just their numbers. Sometimes I'd even have a smoke right afterwards. It all started out so innocently----all I ever wanted was for one of them to say the same thing as another one. They never did. Soon, I found myself in the tawdry and seedy scale underworld. This is where scales will say what they think you want to hear just to get you to jump on them. They will lie to you. They will give you false hope. And, they will never respect you. Today, I realized that I don't want to live this way any longer. I need help. And, I also realized that the scale that I have at home is the scale I need to commit to. So, this morning, I shed my robe, stepped on my scale and made a promise that I'll never stray again. My scale responded.

Yes, those 50 lbs are gone.

Lapbanding In December.........

Something funny is happening here. The encouragement, support and cheers people showered upon me in September, October and November have morphed into gestures of sympathy and pity. In September, when I passed up a huge basket of french fries and a ginormus hamburger, it was "You go girl!". Come December, it's "You poor girl!" As soon as the calendar changes to December, eating as you damn well please becomes a must---a well-deserved right! And, I suspect that eating what you damn well please with someone who is not eating that way is not real festive or fun. As a matter of fact, I think it's downright miserable to dine with someone who is watching their food intake in the month of December. Believe me, I understand that!! What's the old saying....."no one wants to drink alone". Well, the same holds true for indulging in food. People just naturally want you to join in the fun of eating. And, when you don't, you quickly become a reminder that maybe they should eat healthier or at least watch what they are eating. You are spoiling the fun! And, who in hell wants that???? Before my Lapband journey encountered the month of December, I never realized this! Because, let's face it, I was one of those eat-whatever-I-want- and-as much-as-I-want type of people in December (and probably quite a few other months as well.....). I too subscribed to the belief that DIET and DECEMBER don't mix. In fact, I'm pretty certain I considered it a sin to diet in December. And, not much has changed about the way I feel---yes, even now. I am not dieting in DECEMBER. I am eating what I want. I am not suffering. I do not feel deprived. If I were on a "DIET" then I would feel that way. But, I'm not on a DIET. I will never DIET again. That's the whole reason behind why I had the LapBand surgery. So, this whole December attitude shift among some people with me is making me feel bad. I definitely don't want to be labeled as a DECEMBER DIETER (or a party pooper!). Believe me, I've been on a few thousand diets in my lifetime and I can honestly say---this is NOT a diet. This is ME doing what I want to DO. This is ME in December........on my LapBand journey.

Go ahead, ask me what was on the menu..........

The holiday parties have officially began! Last night, we kicked off the season with a lovely open house/housewarming/Christmas party hosted by one of my favorite people--a dear, sweet friend who is probably the most delightful person I know! As always, the decor and the ambiance was amazing. She is one class act with impeccable taste! The woman has style oozing from every pore in her body. When I'm with her, I just can't stop smiling. So, last night, I smiled a lot! And, I oohed and aahed a lot too---marveling at her new home, her fabulous decor and all the special little touches that only she can pull off. For instance, she had the neatest metal stars with battery operated flicker candles strewn about the deck outside her french doors. When you looked outside, it was so tranquil and magical. And, she had the tiniest twinkle lights scattered under the sheer fabrics that were casually covering her tables and buffets. With the lights turned low, the rooms were dazzling. Non-complicated, charming flourishes that were elegant in their simplicity. Then there were the unexpected surprises.....like fancy little snow people sitting in corners and darling little trees perched on window sills. A roaring fire, a spectacularly dressed tree, jazzy holiday tunes, hand painted wine goblets, festive china, lacey linens and flickering candles. A night watching a friend who so deserves to live happily ever after in a castle live happily ever after in a castle. I could not imagine a better way to usher in December and the holiday season........

Oh, and what was on the menu----you ask? Lots and lots of joy. In fact, I was drunk and overstuffed with it.
It was a good feeling. Me in my red holiday skirt knowing that it won't be too tight when I usher December out. Like I said.....JOY. Delicious, filling and oh so LapBand friendly!!!

ONLY 23 Days MORE JOY FILLED DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!!!!