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Saturday, February 7, 2015

Take my mania, please......

Who is this woman?
I am not big on New Year's resolutions.  And, sometimes I think I should probably embrace the idea.  It's always a good thing to have something to work towards.  But, for a life long dieter like me--a girl who did every diet known to mankind and resolved to lose the weight with each one--but still ended up obese, I shy away from resolutions because I worry that I will fail....because, you know, I failed so many times. 
The dieting lifestyle is still deeply imbedded in my being.  As much as I say that I am over it, I realize that I am not.  And, if I was being totally honest--sometimes I miss it.   I miss that feeling of hopefulness embarking on the journey into the promised land of thinness and beauty.  I miss the sisterhood of dieters.  I miss the fantasizing of what life will be like after losing weight.  I miss the day dreaming of things I will do, the person I will become and the many wonderful things that will happen when I lose the weight. 
As I know I've told you before, I still feel my heart skip a beat and my toes curl when I hear about a new diet plan or tool.  And, sometimes I am oh-so-sad that I am no longer on the hunt for the holy grail of diets and weight loss and the glory of entering into the eternal wonderfulness that would surely accompany it. 
Yes, that's all true. 
What I don't miss is being so overweight that my life revolves around what will fit me tomorrow or next week or the next time I am going somewhere special.  I don't miss the embarrassment of being obese. I don't miss the fear that I am an embarrassment to my husband or my children because of my size.   I don't miss the agony of having to think about my size when I get on a  plane or an amusement ride or sit in a booth at a restaurant.  I don't miss the anxiety that accompanies a trip to the doctor when I have to step on the scale and face the number with someone standing right there seeing what I really weigh.  And, I don't miss the constant fear that I will die a 500 pound woman and need to be buried in a double-sized plot. 
I may be a bit crazy but I'm not least not yet.... 
You see that picture of me up there?  
Well, I included it in this blog post for a reason.
Although I adore the jacket I am wearing and the wine I was drinking was exceptional and it  is a picture from a wonderful day, I don't consider it an exceptionally good picture of me.
So, I didn't put it there because I think it's that great.
I put it there because it is a picture I texted to my girlfriend as a way of showing her that we were enjoying a wonderful restaurant that she had recommended.  That explains my "thumbs up"!
I remember so vividly that after I sent it,  I immediately regretted it.  My face looked fat, I looked old, I looked a little pudgy, this jacket is not flattering on me, I shouldn't wear turtlenecks....
A few minutes later, she texted me back....."OMG you look so skinny and elegant"  
I texted back....."Thanks but I think I need to lose a few pounds!"
She responded....."WHY DON'T YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?"
Maybe it was the wine but all of a sudden, her words sent my mind screaming to myself "WHY DON'T YOU SEE WHAT SHE SEES?"  

I'm now working on that.  
I call it my mental diet.  
It feels good to have something to work towards. 
And, it's even better since it has the word diet in it. 



Grandma Bonnie said...

wow. I could have written that post. The body dysmorphya we have, even after 100 pounds down. Are we ever done? I am pissed I had to buy more new, smaller clothes again. wtf? amiright?

Darlin1 said...

You are right! I'm working on this one myself....


Jody V said...

Oh and you look fabulous!