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Friday, January 3, 2014

Contemplating a new year......

WARNING:  That's what I am doing this morning. 

I don't have to tell you that the end of a year and the beginning of a new year brings with it many emotions and thoughts and reflections and the typical heeing-and-hawing of whether to make new year resolutions or not.....

Here we are 3 days into this new year and I am filled with those emotions and thoughts and reflections and yes, I am still heeing-and-hawing about those new year resolutions.
I'm not embarrassed to tell you that I meet a new year with a bit of trepidation.  It's with a mixture of anxiety, fear and sadness that I usher out one year and begin to live in the new one.   Each year, I am always perplexed as to why I feel this way.  Typically, I am a ridiculously naive optimist.
 Last year, I started seeing the light---I came to the conclusion that I get this way because the end of a year not only signifies the end of an entire year, it also marks the end of a sweeping 2 month time frame of preparing to celebrate then celebrating (and all the work that goes along with it!).  Come December 31, I am tired.  Dead tired.  I hit the ground hard come November 1 and I continue the maniacal pace for 8 weeks straight.  During that time, my mind is consumed by everything that goes along with making the holidays perfect and lovely and fun and memorable for the ones I love.  Sure, I go to work and deal with the day-to-day stuff but hey, I'm busy making the world a more merry place and that takes every ounce of energy and brain power that I can possibly muster.  Then, all of a sudden--December 31 hits and all that's left are the remnants of a bountiful holiday......and me exhausted and feeling blue.  I look around at the massive amount of decorating that I do and all I see is the work it will take to get it all put away and to get my home back to some sense of order and declutter.  It's work that I feel too tired to tackle. 
And, I look back at the moments of the holidays and I realize that all wasn't perfect.....I somehow managed to make it NOT perfect for everyone (including myself).  So, naturally, I am saddened and feeling a bit deflated---after all that work and energy and it wasn't all sugar plums and ho ho hos???
Considering that I figured out what the issue was last year, why didn't I do something about it this year? You ask....
Well, I forgot. 
I conveniently forgot. 
Honestly, I did.
Until now.
It wasn't the best year to have a lapse in memory.  
So, now that all the Peppermint Bark is gone.....I have nothing left to sooth myself and deal with these first few days of 2014. 
I'm just left to my own devices.
So, here I am.....armed only with my thoughts and words.   
Having no Peppermint Bark to eat and coming off a holiday season that had it's share of notsoperfect moments, I've had to come face-to-face with this new year thing without the comfort of chocolate, mint and preoccupation.  
Sure, I could drain the remainder of the wine in the opened bottles and I could dig into those 3 bottles of Hendrick's that I got for Christmas to help me out but I prefer to keep those things for celebratory moments.....
Instead, I have decided to give into how I am feeling. 
Several weeks ago, on one of the blogs that I adore and read regularly, the blogger shared a piece of wisdom that I somehow forgot until the clock struck 2014. 
She said that those of us who have high expectations of ourselves, often end up unhappy. 
The cure seems simple enough....just cut down on the things we do and lower our expectations.
But, we who are those people know that's not the answer.  
We are deeper than that.   
We are so deep that we KNOW it takes so much more.  
We are so afraid of doing less.  We are afraid that we will lose ourselves because that is how we define ourselves.  Right or doesn't matter.  It's who we are. 
We are so afraid of falling apart.  Because we need to be there for everyone else.  
Her wisdom--don't be afraid!  We need to let the hurt and pain in so that we can can experience the joy when it comes.  
Therein lies the true challenge for those of us who are so busy making other people's lives joyous---we run away from the hurt and the pain so that we have the emotional energy to make others happy.    We don't let the pain in.....

And one more thing.... we need to be grateful when the joy comes.
Yet, another challenge for those of us who will do anything to bring joy to those around us--we are so focused on finding ways to be appreciated that we can't even see the things we should be grateful for.
Pretty deep stuff. 
But, it makes so much sense to me......
I hope there's someone out there reading this that it makes sense to them too. 
I'm going to let the hurt and pain in.....just watch me. 

And, I am going to work really hard at being grateful until it becomes natural. 
Because I want to feel the joy. 

 But, I don't want to lose Judi......

Hello 2014......


Mar's kids said...

Wow, "so afraid of doing less" really hits home, doesn't it? Here's a wish for the new year: true gratitude and that deep sense of knowing that we are enough!

Debbie said...

Here's to a year of less !!!