Today, I feel like THE FAT LADY WHO SANG TOO SOON!
About 100 pounds ago, if you would have asked me if I lost 100 pounds if I would finally feel like my weight loss journey was over and if I considered it a success, I would have answered a loud and definite YES.....YES....YES....One trillion times YES......
Oh how naive I was in my youth.
What I have come to learn as I lost those 100 or so pounds is that SUCCESS is not a DESTINATION.....IT IS A JOURNEY.
Just because you arrived at that holy grail of weight loss, that does not mean that your are done.
The mission is not complete.
It is not over.
You have a million miles to go.....if you are lucky.
Over the past seven years, I have battled that theory.....many times. I got cocky or confident or maybe just plain tired....or perhaps even a little stupid. As you are my witness and you can attest to, I have come to this blog on more than a few occasions and I confessed to you that I gained some weight and I did it by own doing. The weight didn't just magically or inexplicably land on my stomach or my hips or my thighs or my face....I put it there. Yes, I convinced myself that I didn't have to worry about eating loaded mashed potatoes followed by a a few Oreos with a chocolate sundae chaser (doused in real whipped cream). And, I let myself believe that it was A-OK that I didn't follow my walking program for up to 4 weeks while I indulged in the occasional nacho platter washed down by one, maybe two...or three margaritas. And, I let it be perfectly fine to sooth myself with a dinner comprised of all or most of the above because I was either sad or tired or stressed or really pissed off. Yes, and I even gave myself the blessing to indulge in just another piece of coconut cream pie because, after all, it was a celebration or a holiday. All of that and so much more....
Interestingly, when I think about it and analyze it to death (as I always do!), I am stunned by the fact that when you get right down to it, it was never about the food. It was more about the feelings. As I am doing it---I think it's about the food. But, when I reflect upon it, I am enlightened....once again....my emotions made me eat it.
This is not new news. You know that. I know that. Hell, there are books and PhD thesis written about that very thing. People have made themselves very rich and famous by telling us just what I have told you in less than a paragraph.
I am the poster child for not following the old adage---do the same thing and end up with the same results. Most times, it doesn't really get to me....I am optimistic enough to know that I can turn things around and I have complete faith that everything will be just fine. But, sometimes.....especially in the bleakness of February....I find myself completely overwhelmed by it all. I am tired of slaying dragons and turning water into wine and smiling when I really feel like crying. Thankfully, none of that lasts very long....because I am also the poster child for being impatient with being anything but a glass-is-half-full kind of girl. Sadness, misery and depression are just not good looks for me. Plus, I don't like to be that kind of girl....the one who is always whiney and gloomy. I have a responsibility to Judiland to be encouraging and uplifting and Ms. Fix-It and the life of the party.
Yes, it can all be rather tiring...especially when you are battling things you don't have the energy or the desire to battle. And, ironically, making life look breezy and perfect is a monumental.y exhausting, unrewarding job in itself.....trust me on that.
All of that weakens my ability to say no to the 10 pm chocolate sundae.
And makes me need new pants.
It's complex, that's for sure.
So, as I sit here on the first day of a season where we are asked to prepare for the coming of Easter through prayer, penance, repentance of sins, atonement and self-denial, I am asking myself how I can take those expectations and practice them in my life to help me continue my journey in a way that brings me closer to understanding and learning from my failings.
That's pretty big stuff.
Just another stop on the journey that never ends......