Held hostage at the mall!

by my band......

Just when you thought I'd tell you that it was an amazing, once-in-a-lifetime sale that hogtied me to the mall.....I defy my reputation and admit to the fact that it was my very own beloved Lap band.
Let me tell you all about it......

It was an absolutely incredible day here in Judiland yesterday---besides the fact that it was Saturday--the sun was shining, warm breezes were blowing and the sky was a clear blue. It was a roll your window down kind of day. We don't get many of those types of days in mid November here in my little corner of the world. It was the kind of day that screamed.....don't clean your bedroom! go to the mall! So, I slapped on my size 8 boyfriend jeans from Ann Taylor, my cute-as-be red sweater tunic from Anthropologie and my red and black cowboy boots and took to the open road. To ease my guilt over not really accomplishing much....I decided I'd do a little Christmas shopping, stop off at the Italian store for the sausage for my stuffing, run into the grocery store to pick up my turkey plus I'd do a few quick errands in between all of that. Sounded like a great plan.
As with every-out-of-the-house trip I make--my first stop was to Starbuck's for my venti chai latte (shit how I miss those energy shots....why did they go away? why?). So, I stopped at The Galleria....picked up my chai latte, chatted with a few other chai-lovin' customers, flirted with my fav barista and then shopped around a bit. I ran into a few great baubles that I just knew my college girl would love and then I did a few quick laps around Williams Sonoma, Chico's and Coldwater Creek. It was about that time that I figured I should possibly get something to eat. Since I was on my own--I didn't feel like ducking into Houllihan's for potato soup or Bravo for lobster bique. So, I headed up to the grocery store...figuring I'd grab a quick bowl of soup at their cafe, pick up my turkey (I had brought an ice filled cooler in the car so that I could still go shopping after getting the turkey), drop off some dry cleaning and pick up some magazines to read for a Saturday night on the couch.
First stop--to check out their soup selection. I decided on a butternut squash bisque. It seemed safe enough--smooth and creamy....not too chunky....which is what I needed considering that my band had been acting up quite a bit in recent days. Everything started out fine. The soup was good....not great....but it did the trick....I was full after eating close to 1/2 of it.
From there, I headed over to pick up the turkey....stopping by the seafood counter to pick up some fresh crab and collassal shrimp that were on sale. The store was crazy busy--people with carts overflowing, racing through the aisles. As I was dodging my fellow shoppers, I started to feel a bit odd---a sharp pain in the middle of my chest with sweat beads forming on the back of my neck. Was I having a heart attack.....right there in Aisle 7 with the condiments....before I even made it to the mall? This was definitely not the way I had planned on exiting this world. I had no time for a heart attack and I could not die at the grocery store next to the pickles...what statement would that make? And, listen...I could not go and die with my bedroom being such a mess....my family would never forgive me for having to clean it!
Plus, I had things to do....
Still feeling odd...and in a bit of a panic....I raced over to get my turkey (they were on sale for 40 cents a pound....), threw it in my cart and high-tailed it to the registers. But, on the way....I could feel it....that familiar eruption in my stomach. I was going to vomit. Yep...right there in the Health and Beauty Department.....50 feet from the bathroom with an old lady directly in front me meandering through the aisle. I could either ram her, yell at her, push her or knock her down or I could leave my cart and run past her. Yes, I took the high road....
Little did I know....I'd never return to my cart. (So, if anyone reading this happened to see a cart with a turkey, crab and shrimp in the Health and Beauty Aisle and did the good samaritan thing and put it away....thank you and I'm sorry....).
After about an hour of misery in the grocery store bathroom....I needed to get out of there and fast. Which is exactly what I did. I went directly to the mall (across the road), got myself a cup of tea and decided to try and salvage the day. But, I didn't make it too far. Apparently, the liquid from the tea re-erupted the situation....and I landed in yet another bathroom--this time at the mall food court. After that....it was just one bathroom visit after another. I figure the folks in security at Macy's and Sears were probably having a field day watching the same woman return to the ladies room on their survelliance cameras.....there she is again....what the hell is she doing? Thank God they didn't apprehend me to try and figure it out. I would have messed up their interrogation room....
So, four hours later--I returned home. The sun was still shining, the warm breezes were still blowing and I was starting to worry about something I never before in my life ever worried about.....I don't want to get too skinny.
So, what's my plan for today?
Chai Latte with extra protein added.
Clean my bedroom.
Be kind to my band.