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Thursday, December 11, 2014

What my Christmas Tree and my Lap band have in common......

 Stay with me here folks. 
I promise this will make sense. 

Christmas trees in my world were always.....the bigger the better.  
One of my favorite Christmas Trees....the BIG ONE at the skating rink at PPG Place

Until last year. 
That's when my humungus prelit tree de-lit completely right after all the ornaments were painstakingly placed on it.  
Yes, within moments of it's completion.  
As I stood there exhausted--with every bone in my body aching--checking out  my workmanship,.  each section of the tree went if it was on a magic timer.  I messed with cords, I shook the tree, I ran over to my sisters to get her doo-hicky that's supposed to fix these problems and then when I was still left with a prelit tree that would not light, I flung myself on the couch and pondered opening the front door and just tossing it out into the street. 
It was just another in a series of things that particular week that was making my holiday season pretty miserable.  Even my own Christmas tree was against me!
So, why not just throw out the tree and thus throw out Christmas all together? 
Not wanting to be an unmerry person and as someone who is impatient with misery and glumness (it's a bad look for me, ya know?), I decided I was going to take off all the lights and DIY a prelit tree all my myself.  I was feeling prickly and pissed off enough that I was going to show the world who was in charge...
Um. Yeah.  Wrestling lights off a pre-lit Christmas tree and then re-prelighting it would definitely show the world who was in charge.....
Let's just say that was the real misery.  Talk about a bad look for me.....
Many hours, many trips to the local hardware store and many tears later, my tree was stripped of it's prelit lights and restrung with thousands of newly purchased lights and then redecorated.
As I placed the final ornament on the tree for the second time in one week, I  gave the finished product a stern warning..."listen you little bastards, you better never go out again or I swear, you are outta here!" 
By December 26, about a fourth of the tree was unlit, by New Year's Eve, another fourth went out and then by January 1, only the top section was lit.
My husband informed me that I should have bought LED lights.  But, since he was already on my shit list last holiday season, his comment only made me hate the tree...and Christmas....even more. 
So, I held true to my warning--I tossed that Christmas tree out into the trash and vowed that I would never, ever, ever have a big, fat tree again. 
It was time for a SKINNY TREE.  
Aren't skinny things better?
I guess "slender" is a nicer word than "skinny"....even for Christmas trees....

Flash forward to a big, big after-Christmas sale on trees and my sister on one of her notorious bargain hunting excursions and before you know it....I was the proud recipient of a 9 1/2 foot SLENDER Christmas tree for my January birthday. 
So, last night, I decided to get my merry on and decorate my new tree. 
After it was all set up and I had my decoration boxes unpacked, I looked around and  realized-- I might not be a SLENDER TREE GIRL.
I might be a BIG TREE GIRL.
After all, I had a gazillion ornaments.   And, lots of garland.  Lots and lots and lots of everything.
I didn't want to give up any ornaments. 
They all meant so much to me.
I couldn't imagine living a Christmas without my ferris wheel ornament or my surf board ornament or even my bowling ornament or my......they were such a part of me....ya know....

I remembered feeling this way before.....almost 8 years ago.....after my first Lap Band information session.....I thought I couldn't live without Diet Coke or Big Macs or Lasagna or Tonic Water or straws.....
Amazingly, I was able to do it.
Maybe I could be a SLENDER TREE girl.....
I'm going to try it again tonight. 
Wish me luck. 

1 comment:

Jody V said...

This post made me laugh. I truly needed it! Can't wait for pictures of your new tree!