Living reluctantly?

Yeah, me too......sometimes.   

I know, I know, my blog persona gives the impression that I just dive right into life, grab it by the balls and swing from the chandeliers wearing nothing but a g-string and a tiara.....or naked with a little red bow......  

That is who you think I am.....isn't it? 

Well, I am here to tell you that my chandelier swinging days are notsomuch.  And, I don't wear g-strings......or tiars or little red bows.   Although, recently, a g-string (or, a thong...as they are now called) managed to cause havoc in my washing machine.  It wasn't mine.  Trust me on this.  

This little number broke my washer!  But, I found the culprit and fished it out!  Yes, I'm a plumber! 

But, I digress....

Back to the living reluctantly discussion......

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You know how we have this vision of ourselves sometimes that is in direct conflict with how we really live?

For example--- I've always known that I am not as wild as I think I am or as wild as others might describe me.

Or, maybe I am.....compared to tamer folks......but....really....I'm not all that wild....or am I?

Maybe I have a higher tolerance for wild.....who knows.  

But still....

I often find that I convince myself that I am one way when I am really not.  Even though I am not against the way that I am not.   As a matter of fact....I am more supportive of the way I am convincing myself that I am....you know....the way that I am not really.  Did you get that? 

Maybe if you read it over again...it might be more clear.  

I'm not going to try to explain that one again.....

So, why am I wrestling with this discussion at this hour of the morning during one my more insane weeks of the year?  

Am I just tired?

Do I just have this absurd urge to punish myself?

Yes to both.  

But, those aren't the reasons why I am taking a hard, honest look at my reluctant living.  

I know I'm tired.  I know I punish myself....which makes me tired....

Anyway.....

There's been a few conversations lately that have prompted me to examine why I can't just commit to certain things that I would like to think that I would jump at!

Let's look at the one that's sitting on my doorstep and nagging the hell out of me....

One of my college roomies put together a very fun girls' weekend for a group of us old college friends.  We have been talking about doing this for ions.  Finally, one ambitious and impatient friend decided that we've done enough talking--it was time for action.  So, she took a poll of when everyone was available, she booked a place, she made all the reservations and put together the itinerary and emailed everyone and said "here it is....be there".   One look at that email and I began to panic--can I really leave Judiland in the hands of whoknowswho for one whole weekend while I go and party and play and shop and do all those fun things that I love doing with people I love doing them with and who I don't spend nearly enough time with??  

Of course I can.....OF COURSE I CAN..  

Why was I holding back on committing?   Why was I in a panic?  Why was I trying to come up with excuses reasons for not going?

The other day, as I contemplated if I could really go on this fun retreat, I realized it was a recurring thing with me.   I shy away from things that would take me away from my obligations or would require me to explain to those people who I feel obligated to that I am just going off to have fun.  Selfish, no work-at-all fun.  I have to tell them that's what I am going to do.  I have to utter the words that I am going away to do things that are not productive at all and that is completely self-serving and frivolous.  I have to stand there and expect everyone to be okay with doing the things that I would normally do if I weren't going off on this completely selfish time away.   I have to look into their eyes.....

Yeah, I know....I sound like a crazy person.   That's not the Judi I know and love.  That's not the Judi who I think I am.......I'm not a girl who passes up a whole heck of a lot of fun with fun people.....am I?

Of course I can go on this girls' weekend.   In fact, I should GO.....

What is  really holding me back?  Was I really worried that everyone in Judiland  might die from starvation and loneliness if I leave?   Am I really worried about what others might think?   I mean...really????

Nah, I don't think so.....
But, honestly, I don't really know.
But, I don't think so......

My self analysis was frightening at best.....more frightening that I care to admit.  

Coming face-to-face with the fact that my actions are dictated by what people around me might think is not at all who I claim to be.   Worrying about what push back I will get for  abandoning my obligations in favor of having fun is not who I think I am.   Allowing other people's reactions or opinions stand between me and what I want to do doesn't sound like me at all. 
Well, it doesn't sound like the me who I think I am.  

And---if truth be told--- I don't think those are the true reasons......they are good excuses to myself. 

So, what's the deal?
Am I so busy and so in-demand that I can't take a few days (or even a few hours) to publicly do something completely all-about-me?  
Does my reluctance have anything at all to do with being busy or worrying about what others might think or  say?  Is it really about my obligations or due to my irrational fear that people need me so badly that I have to be available to them 24/7??
IF I was being completely honest----NO.  

So, what is it? 

Is it something deeper? 

Am I afraid of something?

Do I really want to know?  

I am right back where I started from.....asking this question:

Why are there times when I live reluctantly?  

What do you think?