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Take it on with attitude!

Many years ago, in the midst of one of my "accepting my size" modes, I made a pact with myself that I would figure out a way to feel big and beautiful.  So, I set about on a fashion and make up journey to make that happen.  Many shopping trips later, I found myself with a pile of clothes that were not the real me and a bucket full of make up that I would probably  never wear. 
You see, I looked around at the women who I considered big and beautiful and tried very hard to mimic their style and image.  It bugged the heck out of me that even when I did a decent job of finding the clothes and the make up, I still looked in the mirror and didn't like what I saw.  I just saw an overweight woman with too much make up and clothes that could not mask the huge belly, the ruffely hips, the chunky arms, the round, plum face. 
Big and beautiful was just not me.  
How did those big and beautiful women look so beautiful even though they were big? 
Stumped and utterly frustrated,  I decided that I wasn't meant to be big.
With that knowledge in hand, I set out to find another diet....

Fast forward to now.....

It's  shocking to me that in my quest to feel big and beautiful, I didn't stop for one moment to realize that fashion and make up could make me look big and beautiful but never make me  feel big and beautiful. 
Even though I adore fashion and make up and shoes and I use those things to help me feel good about myself and I believe in the power of looking good---I could not use those things to mask the feelings down deep in my soul.  I did not like me as a big girl.  That was the bottom line. 
Call it vain or crazy or downright insane but being big was just not my cup of tea. 
Not that I wanted to be a Size 0 but I certainly wanted to not be big. 
There are moments when I feel I should apologize for that or at least explain to others that big was not for me and that I don't judge others on their size.  I mean, just because I don't like me as a big girl, I do not stand in judgement of all the big and beautiful women out there.  Because, if truth be told, I am actually envious of them in many ways.  They figured it out.  I failed. 
I am not big and beautiful.  Not to me. 

Why am I even bringing this up now?
Of course, there's a story....
The other night, a few friends and I went out for drinks and dinner.  Naturally, the conversation turned to diets and bodies and all that fun stuff.  One of my dear, sweet friends  mentioned  "no matter how big Judi got, she always looked so pulled together."   It was not a shock to hear her say this because she says it quite frequently during these types of conversation.  And, although I always appreciate the sentiment and I am happy to know that the outside world thought I was so pulled together in my big girl days, I never, ever felt that way.  I mean, I knew that I spent a ton of time and money on make up and clothes and shoes.  But, no matter when I left the house and no matter what I was wearing---I never felt that way.  EVER. 
So, I piped up...."Well, I never felt that way." 
Of course, the entire table acted as though they were shocked.  They are sweet friends. 
"No, I never felt happy or satisfied with how I looked, no matter what I was wearing.  And, I admit, I had some pretty nice big girl clothes!"  I shared with them. 
"My God Judi!  I always talked about how you looked so perfect and fashionable all the time no matter how much you weighed!"  another friend chimed in.
"Yeah, me too!" another friend agreed.
"Well then, I am pretty good at fooling people.  Because, honestly, I never felt that way."  I divulged.
"So, how do  you feel now?" someone asked
"Well, how do I look?"  I asked.
"Pulled together.  Perfectly fashionable!"  one friend answered.
I laughed....." the same then?"
"No matter how much you weigh...." two friends said in unison.

Thank God for girlfriends!  

(and wine)