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Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Confessions of a BAD GIRL.......

So, where was Judi?

I have NEVER taken a month off from blogging. 
Then, the past 7 years,  I have never taken a month off from exercise, good eating, taking care of myself, respecting my band and all of those things that keep the pounds away.
But, I did it.
And, boy did I DO IT! 
My bad behavior has caught up with the form of almost 20 pounds. 
THERE!  I SAID IT!  20. TWENTY......(hopefully, this the first step in my recovery.....)

There are pants that don't fit.
There are mirror reflections that I just can't bear to catch.
And, there's that daily ritual of blogging that is no longer happening.
It's all making me quite an unhappy girl. 
Unhappy is a very familiar way......where my avoidance, my reckless behavior and my weight gain makes me miserable. 
Those feelings from long ago when I could not  stop a fast moving train, of feeling defeated and ashamed....they are back. 
With a sad, sad vengance.
It's been a very long time since I've been so afflicted.
And, I can tell you.....I didn't miss it.
The havoc it is playing with every fiber of my being is not a fun place to be.
Sure, I am out there living my life and doing all the things that I normally do.
In the harriedness and busyness of my days, I manage to push it aside.
In fact, I keep myself even busier.  I tell myself that this must get done or that must happen.
I occupy my brain with self-manufactured to-do lists that are never ending and are humanly impossible.  But, I keep making those lists and finding those distractions.....
But, in the darkness of my bedroom as I lay my head down on the pillow, I am faced with the reality of what my world has become.....I am living in fear of the pounds and I am feeling powerless. In fact, I am doing everything I can to avoid it.  I have filled every second of my days with work and toil so that I can avoid what is really happening.......
At 56 years old, I know myself too well. 
What's a girl to do?
Sure, I know the answers.  But, what I really need is the true motivation to do what I need to do.
Where, oh, where has my motivation gone?  
As I sit and analyze it all....the only thing I can think of are poor-me reasons that I can't fix what is happening to me.....

I miss the newness of my Lapband. 
I miss those days when I didn't know how to eat around it or fool it.
I miss those moments when I was maniacally devoted to ridding my life of 100 pounds!  
I miss the daily challenges and rewards.
I miss the kinship of sharing my journey with new banders as we navigated the ups and downs and highs and lows of Lapbanded life.

 Sadly, I know exactly what I am doing to myself. 
I need to break the cycle. 
I need to find the courage and the strength to stop all this craziness.
I am just not sure how. 

Whoever said having weight loss surgery was the easy way out?
Off with their heads!!!

Yes, I have missed you.
I hope you missed me too.  


Anonymous said...

It's called a relapse Judi. Like an alcoholic or drug addict. You have been trying to self medicate with food again. My guess is that the source is anxiety. As you've probably noticed, food doesn't relieve anxiety for very long, and in fact, it creates more anxiety. Take a deep breath and make a vow to make yourself number one again. Start small. If there is one main thing that you're binging on, like sugar, stop eating just that one thing for now. If you have an EAP through work, call them & get in to see a therapist ASAP, one who works with eating disorders and/or addictions. No EAP, go straight to the list of behavioral health providers for your health insurance. You CAN get this under control again. I am the voice of experience.

Grandma Bonnie said...

I am so glad you are back. I miss you when you leave like that. Scares me.
OK. Now you may not want to hear this but your band may be at the end of its life span. It does happen. Happened to me.
Long story short I converted to sleeve and am so happy I did.
There is no shame if the band has failed you, so do not blame yourself unless you have really done some bad bad eating and really, that is not possible. That kind of gain is a band not doing its job anymore.
Just my two cents worth.
Good luck.

Jody V said...

I'm with you! I'm in the same boat after only one year!