Follow me.......

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Confessions of a BAD GIRL.......

So, where was Judi?

I have NEVER taken a month off from blogging. 
Then, the past 7 years,  I have never taken a month off from exercise, good eating, taking care of myself, respecting my band and all of those things that keep the pounds away.
But, I did it.
And, boy did I DO IT! 
My bad behavior has caught up with the form of almost 20 pounds. 
THERE!  I SAID IT!  20. TWENTY......(hopefully, this the first step in my recovery.....)

There are pants that don't fit.
There are mirror reflections that I just can't bear to catch.
And, there's that daily ritual of blogging that is no longer happening.
It's all making me quite an unhappy girl. 
Unhappy is a very familiar way......where my avoidance, my reckless behavior and my weight gain makes me miserable. 
Those feelings from long ago when I could not  stop a fast moving train, of feeling defeated and ashamed....they are back. 
With a sad, sad vengance.
It's been a very long time since I've been so afflicted.
And, I can tell you.....I didn't miss it.
The havoc it is playing with every fiber of my being is not a fun place to be.
Sure, I am out there living my life and doing all the things that I normally do.
In the harriedness and busyness of my days, I manage to push it aside.
In fact, I keep myself even busier.  I tell myself that this must get done or that must happen.
I occupy my brain with self-manufactured to-do lists that are never ending and are humanly impossible.  But, I keep making those lists and finding those distractions.....
But, in the darkness of my bedroom as I lay my head down on the pillow, I am faced with the reality of what my world has become.....I am living in fear of the pounds and I am feeling powerless. In fact, I am doing everything I can to avoid it.  I have filled every second of my days with work and toil so that I can avoid what is really happening.......
At 56 years old, I know myself too well. 
What's a girl to do?
Sure, I know the answers.  But, what I really need is the true motivation to do what I need to do.
Where, oh, where has my motivation gone?  
As I sit and analyze it all....the only thing I can think of are poor-me reasons that I can't fix what is happening to me.....

I miss the newness of my Lapband. 
I miss those days when I didn't know how to eat around it or fool it.
I miss those moments when I was maniacally devoted to ridding my life of 100 pounds!  
I miss the daily challenges and rewards.
I miss the kinship of sharing my journey with new banders as we navigated the ups and downs and highs and lows of Lapbanded life.

 Sadly, I know exactly what I am doing to myself. 
I need to break the cycle. 
I need to find the courage and the strength to stop all this craziness.
I am just not sure how. 

Whoever said having weight loss surgery was the easy way out?
Off with their heads!!!

Yes, I have missed you.
I hope you missed me too.